Shrekody: A Snarry Tale
by Roozette
Summary: Harry has vanished and Lord Farquaad is out of control. The only person who knows where Harry is isn't telling. Therefore, it is up to Snape, as always, to fetch the brat, muzzle the wolf, deal with Gryffindors, and save the day with limited recognition.
1. Part 1

**Title: **Shrekody, a Snarry Tale  
**Author: ****roozetter**  
**Word Count: **22, 319  
**Rating: **PG-13. Dude, it's PRE slash, because I suck.  
**Warnings: **My insane muse, a few swear words, and loads of implications. Oh! And several people who died in Deathly Hallows are still alive. Just saying. Be brave: Implied warnings: *beastiality, super!Harry, bondage and role playing, shamelessly excessive sighing, wanna-be Dark Lord!Lupin* [highlight to read]  
**Pairing: **Harry/Severus  
**Disclaimer:** All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. Shrek is owned by Dreamworks and Disney, depending on whatever the state of their divorce settlement was, and I don't own them either. Nor do I own any of the movies I ruthlessly warped to fit my story. I make no money or friends for my effort here. I sincerely apologize for writing this, in fact.  
**Authors Note: **Inappropriate amounts of love go to **dracosoftie** for her Overall Superior Awesomeness, and **faeryqueen07** for staying up till one in the morning and coding half the damn story in HTML for me. I adore you beyond words. A shout out to **etbhsb** even though she vanished off the face of the earth (tear), and to my Bizan lovelies: Branny, Carrie (Luna4917), and Jess (hdpryncessflyffy) for rallying with Shrek quotes and not mocking me when told what I was writing.  
**Summary: **Severus *sighs* Grand Challenge using the terms long journey and bump in the night. _Harry has vanished and Lord Farquaad is out of control. The only person who knows where Harry is isn't telling. Therefore, it is up to Snape, as always, to fetch the brat, muzzle the wolf, deal with Gryffindors, and save the day with limited recognition for his work. Woe. _

**Shrekody, a Snarry Tale**

~*~

Part One: A twisted fairy-tale unfolds...

The world was a much nicer place when everything was muted and slightly out of focus.

Severus reflected upon this as he blinked lazily at the ceiling. People were leaning over him, invading his personal space and generally making a nuisance of themselves. He wanted to curse, find the perfect words to tear them apart and make them bleed metaphorical tears… was that even possible? He frowned slightly, trying to imagine whether the tears would be as red as blood or as clear as venom. Perhaps black and green, like the little snakes he worked so hard to protect at school. The thought of green and silver snakes pouring out of opened mouths, dripping from inflamed nostrils, and slithering from red-rimmed eyes, was so startlingly funny that he barked out a hoarse laugh. Somehow, this seemed to alarm his captors more than his dour passivity, and they stepped back collectively, exchanging worried glances. Severus' vision didn't seem quite right, though, and he watched in utter fascination as the lights swirled and moved around the room like fairies in flight. Clearly recognizing that if he was comparing lights to fairies he should _not_ attempt cognitive speech, he merely sighed and went back to sleep.

The next time he awoke, he felt better than he had in years. His knees, having never quite forgiven him for the years spent kneeling, dueling, and hours spent immobile stirring cauldrons, didn't greet him with their customary twinge of pain. The muscles in his neck didn't protest him turning his head, and his throat, though feeling suspiciously tender, was nowhere reminiscent of the biting agony he remembered last. All in all… he felt amazing. Suspiciously so. Spying his wand lying on the end table, Severus snatched it up and crawled from the bed. He blinked up a second later from where he had landed on the floor. Clearly, his captors were more effective at torture than he had credited them for, if being this loose and limp was the end result of their treatment. Still, he had survived worse. Gritting his teeth, he hauled himself to his feet and half-limped, half-stumbled out the door.

It took but a few hours to realize the war was over and a bit longer than that to learn he had been lying comatose in the Hospital Wing for nigh on six months under the tender mercy of Madam Pomfrey. The matron had been delighted to have Severus under her undivided attention at long last, and had kept him drugged out of his mind while she vanished and regrew whole sections of his skeletal frame, doctored him with drugs to correct the extensive damage the Dark Mark had done to his nervous and respiratory systems, and corrected any inconsequential injury she happened to stumble upon. The end result was that while he felt better than he had in years, it took several weeks to learn to walk without staggering, and another four to learn that Harry Potter had taken it upon himself to pack up Spinner's End and dump the whole lot of Severus' possessions at Grimmauld Place before vanishing off the face of the earth.

And so it was that eight months after the end of the war, Severus stormed out of Hogwarts, Apparated to Grimmauld Place, and claimed the house as his new residence. Where he lived in solitude, quite happily, for three months before an annoying redhead invaded his sanctuary.

Kreacher served the whelp tea as Severus stood in the doorway and observed the youngest Weasley male poking around his drawing room. "Whoa. Look at that." Ron, unaware he was being observed, leaned forward in fascination and stared at the dead pixies littered atop the rolling desk. "Who'd wanna live in a place like this?"

"This would be my home, Mr. Weasley." Ron yelped, jumped, and fumbled for his wand as he turned around. Severus ignored him, sweeping into the room and settling into his favorite chair before the fireplace before helping himself to tea. "Feel free to vacate the premises."

"Oh, right," Ron offered feebly. He approached his former teacher slowly and let out a braying laugh as he settled cautiously on the couch. "And it is a _lovely _home, too. Brings back a lot of, um, memories, being here." Ron reached forward and fixed a cup of tea with a lightly trembling hand. "You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done to the place with such a modest budget. I like that boulder." Severus flicked a look at where the daft idiot was pointing, sneering as he recognized a rock crystal. "That is a NICE boulder."

"Cease your inane babbling and tell me why you decided upon this impromptu visit." Black eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Or are you here as emissary for Potter? Has he decided that after stashing all my possessions here he can presume to evict me?"

"Huh?" Ron shook his head, looking flustered. "Erm, no, Harry didn't send me. I mean, I'm here _about _Harry, kind of, well, mostly, but, uh, no."

A single eyebrow arched in disdain as Severus sedately sipped his tea. "Would you like to attempt that again in a language similar to one spoken by British citizens?"

Ron looked around the crowded, dingy room in search of further inspiration. "I, uh, guess you don't entertain much, do you?"

Severus didn't move so much as a muscle. "I like my privacy."

Ron paled, leaning back into the sofa as though trying to disappear. Severus reflected that in this house, surrounded by such dark relics, he had a fair shot of making that wish a reality. The braying idiot was saved from his own stupidity by the sound of a crash and muffled swearing coming from the kitchen. Severus withdrew his wand, eyes narrowing in suspicion as he swept from the room. "Let me explain," Ron begged, scrambling up and chasing after him. Severus ignored him, storming into his kitchen and flinging open the door. The sight before him stopped him cold in horror.

"Oh, no!" Snape bellowed, so utterly furious vicious orange smoke started pouring from his wand and casting the room in an eerie light. Everyone froze. Severus took a second to collect himself, relieved that his fury still commanded immediate and absolute compliance, before focusing on the tableau before him. "Dead twin _off_ the table."

"He's not dead!" George frowned at his former professor, moving protectively towards his twin and smoothing back a limp strand of red hair. "Freddie's… sleeping. He'd sampled some WWW products before the battle, and they interacted with the spell that hit him somehow. We just need to figure out how to wake him up." George scratched his head, staring at his brother as though expecting him to wake up and spout off a flash of brilliance regarding how to fix the problem.

"Really?" Severus gave the silent twin an interested look, itching to take a sample of blood and retreat to the sanctity of his lab. Then something crashed overhead and he was reminded of the unwanted intruders all over again. "Well, stick him in there somewhere and I'll deal with him later. Comatose beings have as much business being in a kitchen as dead beings do."

Looking disgruntled, George hefted his twin over his shoulder and staggered from the room. Bill watched his brother go before turning and giving Severus a commiserating look. "I know, sir, that this is an extreme imposition, but ever since Lupin became Lord Farquaad or whatever, and overthrew the Ministry of Magic, he's been a bit… rigid, in his interactions with others."

"Rigid," Severus repeated flatly, trapping Lee Jordan's tarantula in a magically binding cage. Lee gave Snape a sour look, collected his pet, and stormed out of the room after George. "What has the wolf done? Huffed and puffed and blown your dilapidated lodging to the ground?"

"Worse." Percy collapsed in a chair at the table and rubbed at his temples. "He huffed and he puffed and he… sent an eviction notice."

"Eviction notice?" Severus was reluctantly impressed by the wolf's callousness. Many families had been scrambling to hide from the Dark Lord's wrath and had fallen behind on property taxes and whatnot. To capitalize upon that distress… Perhaps he should make Lupin a vat of Wolfsbane free of charge for finally giving in to his inner beast.

"Ginny somehow got Mum to agree to let her stay with her boyfriend," all of the Weasley brothers growled at the word, "and Fleur is converting the spare room for Mum and Dad." Bill pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes and sighed before lowering his hands and flicking a wary look at the door. "Fleur refuses to let the, uh, the _twins_ and Lee stay with us."

"But we –" Percy gestured to his remaining siblings "- have nowhere else to go besides the Order safe houses."

Then again, perhaps Severus would doctor the potion with a generous amount of silver extract. He knew he'd been right to always hate the wolf.

Charlie, the only smart Weasley who had learned to calm rampaging dragons, slowly put his wand on the table, lowered his head slightly, and raised a single hand in a non-threatening manner. "Farquaad will only release the confiscated properties to Harry, and only Dumbledore knows where Harry is."

"Have you asked the senile half-wit to turn over the boy?" Severus narrowed his eyes in sudden suspicion. "Properties?"

"Uh, yeah." Sensing danger, Percy scooted closer to Charlie. "Lupin didn't just go after us Weasleys, and McGonagall is relocating everyone as fast as she can."

Black eyes narrowed, giving the fireplace a look of deep suspicion, as though expecting misbegotten ruffians to come pouring out just to smite him. "Lupin needs to be manacled to the wall and fed poisons."

George, having walked into the room with Lee brushing suspicious pink feathers from his hair, brightened immediately. "Are you going to go find Harry and demand Lupin return our homes?"

A great clamor arose at George's question. Severus felt the muscle over his eye twitch and clenched his jaw in response. Susan Bones popped out of the fireplace just then. "I want to go home!" She sniffled pathetically, turning to look around the dark, crowded room. Her nose crinkled in disdain. "I have to stay _here _until McGonagall gets this mess sorted?"

"Don't get comfortable," Severus bit out. Susan jumped, paled, and latched on to Charlie. An impressive feat in and of itself as Charlie was surrounded by his brothers and various other idiots. "I shall go to Hogwarts, convince Dumbledore to tell me where he hid the brat, and you will all be returned to your homes forthwith."

The cheer that followed his pronouncement was louder this time, cutting off abruptly as Snape's hands twitched on his wand. Undeterred, Ron waved his hand enthusiastically in the air, practically jumping in place as he begged. "Me! Pick me! Ooh, Professor, please let me come find Harry, too!"

Severus Apparated outside the gates of Hogwarts and stood looking at the gates with disgust. Either the monstrosity hadn't been there when he made his escape, or he had been too close to the taste of freedom to truly recognize it for what it was. He ignored the sound of Weasley Apparating next to him and focused on the lavishly-painted Hogwarts crest now attached to the gates with a red button in the middle.

"What's that button do?"

Not about to touch something he hadn't had a chance to analyze, Severus merely shrugged. "Press it and see." It was a good thing Molly had had such a large litter, Severus reflected sourly, watching as her youngest son foolishly and unhesitatingly pressed a button he knew nothing about. Severus' hand tightened reflectively upon his wand, ignoring the donkey's instinctive step backwards, as a jaunty tune emerged from the gate.

**Welcome to Hogwarts  
It's the perfect school.  
Here we have some rules,  
Let us lay them down.  
Don't make waves,  
Stay in line,  
And we'll get  
Along fine  
Hogwarts is the perfect school. **

Please keep off of the grass  
Shine your shoes  
Wipe your… face  
Hogwarts is…  
Hogwarts is…  
Hogwarts is… the… perfect… school.

Severus was still standing there, absolutely frozen in place, when an overly joyful voice suddenly boomed out, "Support the Ministry of Magic!" Then, blessedly, the jarring music stopped and the world was once again silent.

For once Ron Weasley echoed Severus' thoughts perfectly. "What the bleeding hell?" He turned shocked blue eyes to Severus. "How is Lupin going to explain _this _to Harry once he returns?"

Severus shrugged dismissively, opening the gates and patting them consolingly as they shuddered miserably in an attempt to dislodge the musically-charmed menace. He slipped past them, resigned as Weasley tripped after him. "How do you explain Sgt. Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?" He marched up the grounds, uneasily noticing how quiet and still the grounds were. It was May, yet there was not a child in sight, no parchment or broken quill stubs littering the grounds. Hogwarts appeared to be in mourning, were such a thing possible. He reflected upon the singing gates and decided that, yes, a magical building sulking seemed oddly appropriate. Still, they were unimpeded as they entered the front doors and walked down the hallway.

It wasn't until they passed the empty classroom Firenze used to teach Divination that Severus heard a high-pitched giggle. He was perfectly content to ignore the noise, but Ron stopped walking and looked around in confused alarm. "Was that Ginny?"

"Stay here." Severus sighed, oddly resigned to the intrusion. Of course he couldn't simply reach Dumbledore, find Harry, and return to his blessed solitude. Of course there would be distractions and diversions along the way. Sometimes, he hated the sheer predictability of life. Muttering to himself, Severus dismantled the faulty warding surrounding the classroom and cautiously opened the door.

The squeal had indeed belonged to Ginny Weasley. Tied to a tree, looking as though she'd been covered in gingerbread and various sugary confections, she was squealing in delight as a blond-headed boy knelt before her and licked her stomach in long slippery strokes. Severus sighed again. Sometimes he really fucking hated teenagers. Both children turned to look at him upon hearing the sigh. Severus merely arched a brow and waited for the excuses.

"Hi, Professor!" Ginny smiled brilliantly, not in the least perturbed to see him standing in the doorway glowering at her mostly-naked form.

Severus had the feeling the vapid little bint would have waived had her hands not been tied securely to the tree. Severus sighed again. He really should have assigned the foolish girl detention with the Carrows instead of Hagrid during his short-lived tenure as the headmaster. Still, he inclined is head in a parody of a polite nod before turning his attention to his godson. Draco still knelt before Ginny, seemingly petrified in place, gray eyes wide with shock and fear. "I am searching for Lupin."

"He's certainly not in here." Ginny shrugged best she could. "Only Luna has figured out where Lord Farquaad lives. And, well, no one can really understand her nonsensical babbling, now can they?"

Draco gazed at his godfather helplessly. "Lovegood relocated to Sherwood Forest before skipping away with her minions."

"Indeed." His eyes swept the classroom again. "I appreciate your assistance and shall… leave you to your activities."

"Sir…"

"We need never mention this again, Draco, Miss Weasley. I shall ward the door behind me."

"Bye, Professor!" Ginny called out gaily. As he shut the door behind him, Severus heard her breathily exclaim, "not my buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! Oh, you Monster…" Her giggle was abruptly cut off with a flick of Severus' wand.

The donkey was still waiting for him in the hall, craning his neck to see behind the professor's back. Severus swept past him without pause. "Your sister is otherwise engaged."

"Huh?" Ron's mouth opened and closed uselessly as he hurried to match Severus' longer strides. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Severus ignored the braying youth and marched straight to the headmaster's office, determined to burn the castle to the ground before stopping for any more unsolicited distractions. The gargoyle guarding the office seemed relieved to see him, leaping aside when Severus was still several feet away. This did nothing to reduce his trepidation, his feelings of unease only increasing as the sound of irate yelling was discernable from the bottom of the stairs. Severus gave the gargoyle a grim look before stepping onto the revolving staircase and entering the madness.

Molly Weasley's strident voice was clearly audible before he'd reached the door. "But, sir! If you would only tell us where you've hidden Harry, we'll fetch him ourselves and settle this nonsense."

Dumbledore's response was intoned in a deep and forbidding voice. "Know this… Only one may enter here… One whose worth lies far beneath… The Diamond In The Rough."

"The what now?"

Severus paused outside the door, silencing the donkey with a look as he recognized Kingsley Shacklebolt's voice. "The Diamond in the Rough? Is that a person or thing?"

"Never mind that!" Minerva's irritated voice overrode all the others. "Albus, tell us where you have hidden the boy so we can show him to Lupin –"

" – Lord Farquaad," a sleepy voice interrupted.

"Yes, thank you, Mundungus. As I was saying, once we produce the boy, _Lupin_ will end this nonsense and turn Hogwarts over to Harry!"

Interesting, Severus mused, pushing open the door and sliding in. It was little wonder no one noticed, the office was packed. Flitwick's higher-pitched voice piped up. "Why on earth did you conspire to have poor Mr. Potter hidden away in the first place?"

"What a question!" Dumbledore's portrait was clearly in his element, eyes twinkling so brightly his picture looked nearly aflame. Severus pondered, briefly, the likelihood of an _Incendio_ spell going unnoticed amidst all the confusion, before dismissing it. He still held a certain sense of possessiveness towards this office after having lived here for a year, and with all the people mucking about more than a few items would probably be caught in the crossfire. "In order to properly answer this question, I shall need my mirrors!"

"Mirrors?" Pomona Sprout echoed doubtfully.

"Yes." Dumbledore steepled his fingers, fairly cackling with glee. "Mirrors to travel, mirrors to spy, mirrors to remember, mirrors to forget, mirrors to rule the world…"

The group of individuals looked in-between each other in bewilderment. Mundungus appeared to have fallen asleep and was snoring by the fire place. "And, these mirrors…" Filius trailed off doubtfully. "How will they help us locate Mr. Potter?"

Dumbledore's eyes gleamed. "Now, a formula to transform my beauty into ugliness. Change my queenly raiment to a peddler's cloak. Mummy dust, to make me old. To shroud my clothes, the black of night. To age my voice, an old hag's cackle. To whiten my hair, a scream of fright. A blast of wind to fan my hate. A thunderbolt to mix it well. Now, begin thy magic spell."

"Is that…" Hermione Granger frowned, eyebrows furrowing in thought. "Is that from Snow White? The old Brothers Grimm story?"

"It is indeed." Severus glared as everyone's head swiveled towards the door where he stood, the braying red-head half hidden behind him. "To what purpose do you mention the magic mirrors _now_, Headmaster? Your family sold them to the Evil Queen thousands of years ago when she went on a mad quest to conquer the nine kingdoms." He ignored the confused exclamations as easily as Dumbledore did, eyes narrowing suspiciously when the senile old portrait merely laughed gaily in response.

"Oh, come now, my dear boy. Why so melancholy? A wondrous future lies before you - you, the destined hero of a charming fairy tale come true. Behold - King Stefan's castle. And in yonder topmost tower, dreaming of his true love, the gentle Harry awaits. But see the gracious whim of fate - why, 'tis the self-same peasant, who won the heart of our noble prince but yesterday. He is indeed, most wondrous fair. And now, the gates of a dungeon part, and our prince is free to go his way. Off he rides, on his noble steed, a valiant figure, straight and tall! To wake his love with 'loves' first kiss'! And prove that 'true love' conquers all! HA!"

More than a few people looked utterly disgruntled by this, Poppy Pomfrey going so far as to narrow her eyes and give the former Headmaster a glare to rival Severus'. Hermione was looking at Snape rather suspiciously, Minerva was muttering under her breath and shredding a ginger biscuit, and Molly was hissing frantically to her husband. Severus felt a migraine forming and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"What's that even _mean_?" Ron burst out as he scratched his nose. "Can't you just offer us a lemon drop and then tell us where you stashed Harry?"

"Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!"

Minerva seemed relieved to have a valid excuse to ignore Dumbledore, moving across the room and latching on to Severus' arm hard enough to leave a bruise. "Severus." Her voice was desperate, her fingers tightening fractionally as she gave him a terribly earnest, beseeching, and disgustingly Gryffindor-ish look. "Please tell me you've come to fetch Mr. Potter?"

Hermione was still gazing speculatively between the portrait and the Potions master. "What do you mean _the same peasant who won the heart of our noble prince but yesterday_?"

"I could care less whether Potter chokes on a fig and dies." He glared at Minerva, only a faint, very faint, lingering sense of affection towards the woman, and a surplus of witnesses, keeping him from ripping his arm from her grasp and murdering her on the spot. "I care, however, about the fact that my home has been infested by vile, germ-ridden beasts, spreading disease and discourse with every breath that enters their meaningless bodies!"

Molly Weasley turned, horrified, and gazed at McGonagall in shock. "You sent the kids to _Severus_!"

"Well, he wouldn't answer my owls!" Minerva snapped, throwing up her hands in exasperation. "What was I supposed to do to get him here?"

"You rotten Slytherin!" Severus felt his sense of affection towards Minerva increasing in the face of underhandedness she was capable of. That still did not stop him from sending a Stinging Hex to the hand clutching his arm.

Minerva hissed, eyes narrowing as she clutched her injured appendage. Kingsley edged closer to the door when her follow-up spell went wide and smacked into Mundungus' chair. Dung yelped as his chair disintegrated, standing and running towards the door in one smooth move. "Dirty Hufflepuff!"

"Make her bleed, Snape!" Phineas Nigellus shook his fist and scowled at McGonagall.

"Vile, barren woman!" Snape snarled, summoning Arthur Weasley to use as a shield when the witch sent a blast of red light at him. Arthur crumpled unconscious to the ground, providing Severus with the distraction necessary to send a non-verbal blast of smoky purple light.

"We'll just wait for you in the Great Hall." Hermione ducked, covering her head with one hand and levitating Arthur with the other as she hurried out the door.

"Use the chair!" A portrait of a woman in a green robe bellowed.

"Now, really, is this necessary?" Dumbledore asked, gazing at his two former colleagues in disappointment.

"Worse than the children," Molly Weasley muttered, allowing herself to be dragged from the room by a frantic Ron.

They waited, exchanging curses and blistering threats, until the sound of the gargoyle sliding back into place echoed in the room. Then Minerva stopped, patted her hair back in to place, and smoothed down her gown. Severus straightened his robe and jeered at the woman. "_Why_ you are incapable of telling the infernal busy-bodies to go the hell away is beyond me."

Minerva laughed, stepping forward to pull Severus into a warm embrace. "I missed you, dear. Next time don't stay so long in isolation."

Severus patted her perfunctorily on the arm before stepping away and glaring at Dumbledore's portrait. "Where is the Potter whelp?"

Albus gave a misty-eyed look out the window. "Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin city, to take back the child you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great…"

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Minerva looked rather like she wanted to hex the portrait. Having spent a year in this office, Severus empathized.

"It means," he sighed instead, "that he has hidden Potter at his sanctuary on the Isle of Wight."

"Brilliant, my dear boy!" Albus clapped, looking utterly delighted.

"How on earth did you figure that out?" Minerva looked more than a little miffed that Severus had deduced in five minutes what the rest of the wizarding world had been trying to discover for nearly a year.

Severus glared at the humming portrait. "Where else would Dumbledore stash the boy than in the home his family has on the island Muggles refer to as the most haunted place on earth?"

Minerva gave Dumbledore's portrait a look of thin-lipped disapproval. "Well, best be off with you, Severus. And good luck. Bring Harry back to us as soon as you can."

"Oh, hush." Severus huffed as he turned to leave the office.

He made it to the entrance hall before the braying Weasley caught up with him. "All done with your talk, sir?" Ron happily stuffed a basket into Severus' hands. "I'm an old pro at going on these impossible quest thingies, you know," he bragged. "This time I made sure to get the house-elves to pack us some food _before_ we left so's we wouldn't end up eating boiled mushrooms."

"Hmm."

Absently shrinking the basket down and sticking it in a pocket of his robe, Severus didn't break stride on his way to the main gates. There were six ferries that led into the Isle of Wight, and all of them extraordinarily popular with tourists and slobbering beasts they tried to pass off as their offspring. The most likely place to attempt entry to the island while avoiding the most people would be to Apparate to Southampton and ferry across to Cowes. No yacht clubs, no construction to return main streets to their original "charming" structures, less chance of being ambushed. Nodding decisively, he turned to the brat beside him and sighed.

"I suppose you have your uses?" He tried, barely, to make it sound like a statement. All the same, he was not too terribly surprised when he simply sounded resigned.

"Of course I do!" Ron looked vaguely insulted. "I've been on quests before, flown on a dragon, erm, watched Hermione make Polyjuice, and done loads of other stuff."

"Very well." Lips pressed together in irritation, he reached out and gripped the boy's arm slightly harder than necessary. To his credit, Ron merely winced but didn't make a sound.

"_Professor_!" He looked up as the front doors opened and Hermione came rushing out. "_Professor, wait! Please! I need to talk to you_!"

Not wanting to add a third member to his already annoying trek, Severus merely rolled his eyes and Apparated away before the girl was halfway across the grounds.

"But, Professor!" Hermione bent at the waist, trying to catch her breath. She kicked the ground in sheer irritation and yelled at the heavens as though that would bring Severus back to her side. "But I need to tell you something about Harry!"

Splitting the corpus callosum.

"… And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man, there were some strong gases seepin' outta my butt that day!"

Left cerebral cortex.

"Seamus and Dean taught us boys in the dorm some fun songs. Want to hear them?"

Left temporal lobe.

"Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Rawhide! Line 'em up, Move 'em on, Head 'em up, Head 'em up, Move 'em on, Rawhide!"

Auditory nerves.

"Knock 'em out, Pound 'em dead, Make 'em tea, Buy 'em drinks, Meet their mommas, Milk 'em HARD, RAW, HIDE"

Left frontal lobe.

"And ooooo—eeeee shut my mouth, slap your Grandma!"

Left occipital lobe.

"I'm blue, ba-ba dee-ba be-dah…"

Left parietal lobe.

"Don't just stand there, let's get to it, strike a pose, there's nothing to it, VOGUE!"

Right temporal lobe.

"Woah-oh-oh-oh-oh! Hangin' Tough!"

Right frontal lobe.

"Dream lover, come rescue me…"

Right occipital lobe.

"Jim-along-Joe's an orangutan…"

Right parietal lobe.

"… I'm eatin' the sun, though my tongue has been burned of the taste… I have been guilty of kicking myself in the teeth…."

Cerebellum.

"Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down… like toy soldiers!"

Thalamus.

"If I was your girl all the things I'd do to you, I'd make you call out my name, I'd ask you what belongs to you..."

Hypothalamus.

"He's a cold-hearted snake –OOH!- Look into his eyes. Uh oh! He's been tellin' lies…"

Hippocampus.

"I'm afraid of Americans. I'm afraid of the world…"

Medulla.

"I wannnnnaaa be… Anarchy!"

While mentally dissecting Ron Weasley was a pleasurable pastime during the best of circumstances, enough was enough. Severus snarled, turning to the braying menace with a look severe enough to shut him up and take two stumbling steps in retreat. "For five minutes, can you not be yourself?"

Weasley scratched his head and offered a hopeful smile. "You mean like under Polyjuice or something?"

_I am on my way,_ Severus reminded himself grimly, feeling his eye beginning to twitch again. _I am on my way from misery to happiness today. If one can survive twenty years of indentured servitude with raving madmen, one can survive two days in forced captivity with a Weasley without resulting in genocide._ "No, Weasley, I do _not _mean like Polyjuice. I mean cease and desist your foolish offerings before I decide to chop you up and use your severed limbs in potions."

"Oh." Weasley was subdued for approximately twenty-five seconds before he began twitching again. "So, why couldn't we just Apparate the whole way there?"

Severus closed his eyes, enjoying the damp breeze on his face, and slowly counted to ten. When he reopened his eyes, he was relatively certain he could answer the donkey's question without ripping his head off and having the Obliviators be notified for the Muggles surrounding them. "Weasley, the Isle of Wight is considered the most haunted place in the world. This is largely because of Dumbledore and his despicable relatives. Due to the… eccentricity… that taints their gene pool, the Ministry of Magic long ago put a magic-dampening dome around the Isle of Wight, as well as wards against such common forms of travel like Floo or Apparition. They hoped to encourage the magical individuals to relocate or tame their actions. They failed. Hence, we must travel by ferry to reach the island and either walk or obtain further Muggle methods of transportation."

"Oh." Ron looked around him in renewed interest. "So, where are we going?"

"This ferry will arrive in Cowes. From there it is a thirty minute trip by vehicle to Freshwater, and then a five mile walk to Dumbledore's crumbling mausoleum."

"We have to walk for five miles?"

"_We_ have to do nothing. You are more than welcome to return to Southampton and then Apparate back to your miserable little existence."

"I can't just let you fight for Harry by yourself," Ron said indignantly. Severus gave him a sour look. "Harry will be happy that I didn't abandon you on your quest."

"I assure you, I will be fine without your dubious assistance."

"Nah." Ron shook his head and beamed a smile at Snape. "Harry'll appreciate me sticking with you. Ever since that night at the shack…" Weasley trailed off uncomfortably, looking away when Severus gave him a sharp look. "Well, he'll be happy to know you're okay is all."

By the time they actually reached the wards surrounding Dumbledore's familial home, Severus was ready to spit nails. Preferably at his companion, though any of the insouciant Muggles slowing their way would do. Preparations were in full swing for the island's annual Walking Festival, and tourists had obligingly flocked to the isle by the droves. Eager to show of the island's beauty, the taxi driver Severus had hired ignored the A3020 and instead took them on a winding array of back roads that increased the drive time to nearly two hours. Only the fact that he managed to Obliviate the man and send him on his way with no pay for the day kept him from giving in to his baser urges and lighting something on fire. The donkey followed him in silence, seeming to recognize Severus was hanging onto his sanity by a mere thread.

Still, every man had his limits, and when Severus gazed at the turrets and flowery architecture surrounding a _light purple _castle complete with moat and fire-breathing dragon… he was ready to simply pack up his belongings, move to the Black Sea, and let Lupin take over Britain while calling himself whatever ridiculous name he so chose.

"Cool." Ron looked delighted. "I bet Harry likes having the dragon around, he's always had a bit of a thing for wild beasts."

"Indeed." Severus straightened his cloak, took a deep breath, and prepared to enter Hell.

The wards parted before him with ease and were convinced to part for Weasley with only a bit of persuasion. They marched across the sprawling grounds, the smell of water and ozone oddly pleasant in the warm air. The dragon was nestled in a crater before the front doors, looking sleepy and slightly annoyed to be kept from its rest. It tracked their movement with a beady eye, looking uncertain whether to attack or simply wait and see what their intentions were.

"Go play with the dragon," Severus ordered. "I shall locate Potter."

"_Play _with the dragon?" Ron squeaked, backing up a step. "I don't know how to play with a dragon!"

"Sure you do." Severus reached out and grabbed Weasley by the scruff of his neck. "It is in your blood." Unceremoniously, he shoved Weasley forward, watching with vague interest as the braying boy fell screaming on top of the dragon. The dragon turned, wrapped its tail around the redhead, and pulled their faces close together while it studied the wiggly human.

Ron started babbling, hands desperately scrambling on the tail wrapped securely around his midriff. "Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean white _sparkly _teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must use potions or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there, and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?"

The dragon let out a noise suspiciously like a purr and nuzzled the side of Weasley's neck. Ron let out a whimper of terror. "See?" Severus nodded, ignoring the boy's look of distress. "You will be fine. Play nicely." Spinning on his heel, he marched through the front doors and began scanning the hallways for a sign of Harry's presence.

"… I don't want to rush into a... physical relationship... I'm not that emotionally ready for a... uh... commitment of this... uh... magnitude!"

"Hey, that is unwanted physical contact! Hey! What're you doing? Okay, okay, okay... let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time... I mean, we should really get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even as owl pals, you know, coz I just love to get a card... Hey, hey, hey, don't do that, that's my leg! That's my body, my personal space, you're gonna tear me apart! I don't give permission to... Oh, no, no, no, no... no!"

Severus ignored the noises floating around him as he spied a portrait guarding a stairwell. The picture was of a girl wearing an alternately pink than blue dress dancing on clouds with a handsomely dressed prince. He had little doubt he was staring at another example of Dumbledore's romantic folly. Sure enough, the stairs spiraled impossibly upwards, an odd window or two lighting the way to a simple wooden door engraved with entwined hearts surrounded by a bouquet of flowers. Severus rolled his eyes, opened the unlocked door, and looked around.

Harry was ensconced upon a ridiculously opulent queen-size bed, looking bored out of his mind as he lay on his back gazing listlessly at the bed hangings. He turned his head as Severus entered the room, blinking in surprise. Severus arched an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared back, waiting for the boy to begin babbling something profoundly useless and nauseatingly thankful. Perhaps there would be tears as well. He sighed, mentally bracing himself.

"Did you come to recite a romantic verse?"

Severus blinked, thankful for his years as a spy. If self-preservation had taught him one thing, it was how to remain composed in the face of sheer insanity. "Pardon?"

"No," Harry continued thoughtfully, shifting on his bed until he was sitting up against the headboard. He looked Snape over with interest. "I can't see you as a romantic verse type of person. Perhaps an epic poem?"

Severus continued to stare at Harry, standing so still he appeared frozen in place. For the first time, light returned to Harry's eyes. A mischievous smirk flitted across his face though his expression remained innocent. Hard-earned experience had Severus' hands tightening instinctively on his wand.

"A ballad?" Harry continued blithely when it became clear he wasn't going to receive a response. "A sonnet? Hell, I'd even take a limerick if you're desperate. Maybe even a haiku… though I can never remember the proper cadence. Something about five and seven? I think whoever invented Haikus was probably really bored." Harry looked around his room and scowled as he finished speaking.

"Potter, cease your mindless chatter." Severus scanned the room again, purely on instinct, reaffirming they would need to exit out the door through which he had entered. "Collect your belongings and come with me."

Harry shrugged, sliding off his bed and stuffing his feet in battered-looking trainers. "I can't believe out of all the people Dumbledore could have sent to help me, he chose you." Harry wandered around the room, grabbing random items and placing them in a book bag as he spoke. "It's bad enough that you, well, hate me and could kill me whenever you wanted." Harry stuffed his Invisibility Cloak in his pocket and turned in a circle, checking for forgotten items. "But knowing Dumbledore and his penchant for romance, he probably thinks that you rescuing me means we're going to fall in love and live happily ever after." Curiously, Harry punctuated this comment by blasting a shiny silver bell with a spell strong enough to reduce it to boiling metal.

"Do not make such comments off-handedly, Potter. I have only recently consumed breakfast and would hate to regurgitate my meal upon your person."

"Always figured you for a kinky bastard, Snape." Satisfied, Harry swung his bag over his shoulders and gave his former professor an expectant look. "So, what now? Are you going to sweep me away out yonder window, down your conveniently transfigured rope, and whisk me away on your noble steed with your sword drawn and banner waving?"

Severus stared at Harry, fearing for his mental acuity. "You are raving." Not waiting for a response as, clearly, the boy was, Snape gave an impatient shake of his head and jerked his head toward the door. "Do I strike you as a closet Gryffindor?"

Harry shrugged again, giving Snape a genuine smile as he followed him out the door and down the stairs. "I've been imprisoned, however indirectly, by Dumbledore. He doesn't exactly leave the _Codex Gigas_ around for me to read." A roaring sound, followed by a rather high-pitched squeal, had both of their heads turning towards the window. They watched as the dragon, holding something red-headed and squirmy in its talons, flew over to a neighboring tower and disappeared inside. "You didn't slay the dragon?"

"Of course not!" Severus gave Harry a scathing look before continuing his descent down the stairs. Being isolated seemed to have irreparably warped the little idiot's remaining brain cells. Perhaps he should offer to resume Occlumency lessons just to see how dangerous Harry had become? It would never do to underestimate the enemy. "Dragons are far more useful alive than dead."

Harry beamed at Snape. "Oh, I'm so glad! I was so _worried_ that Cherry Bomb would be hurt whenever someone showed up to 'rescue' me."

_That _made Snape pause. "Cherry Bomb?"

"Yep," Harry said happily, practically skipping as they reached the main hall. "My cousin Dudley snuck out to one of _those _clubs with some of his stupid little friends once and was beaten up by a stripper… excuse me, _Exotic Dancer_, named Cherry Bomb. Seemed appropriate to name my dragon after her. Hell, I'm rather surprised my Patronus didn't change after learning about that."

"Hmm." Snape had no response, mentally cataloging all the potions he knew that could test for diminished brain activity. Perhaps a valve was acting up and decreasing oxygen to Harry's brain? He glanced at Harry from the corner of his eye, watching as the boy stuck his tongue out at a portrait of a dotty-looking old woman with a beard long enough to rival Dumbledore's. Then again, if _he_ had been made to suffer the indignity of living in Dumbledore's sanctuary… He gave Harry another suspicious look. "You seem to be taking this situation in stride."

"Well, yeah." Harry shrugged, waving at a portrait of a tap dancing bunny. "I've been locked in solitary confinement for eleven months with no one to talk to except for a frustrated dragon and a half-mad house elf. I'd kiss you if I thought it would get me past the wards."

"That will not be necessary, Mr. Potter. We simply need to find Lupin and return to Hogwarts. After that we can consider our liaison successfully concluded and go our separate ways."

"Remus?" Harry stopped walking, placing one hand on Severus' arm to keep him in place. "What's wrong with Remus?"

Severus rolled his eyes and shrugged off the offending hand. "The wolf has gone feral and fancies himself the next Dark Lord."

"_What_?"

"Yes, yes." Severus waived his hand dismissively, looking around with narrowed eyes until he was certain of the way to the exit. "It is all quite tragic. Follow along." He ignored Harry's hissed breath and strode confidently towards the exit. If they left now they should reach Freshwater by dusk, use one of the confounded Muggle drivers to escort them to Cowes, and either rent a room for the evening, or, vastly more appealing, catch the evening ferry. One simple Apparition later, they would be closer to Sherwood Forest and he would be one step closer to reclaiming his solitude. He was snapped from his musings as Harry held out a hand and looked at him expectantly. Severus looked at the hand warily before looking back at Harry's face.

"You have to hold my hand to get me past the wards," Harry explained patiently. "Something about making myself vulnerable to my love and showing trust or some such rot. Though I really don't see how holding hands makes someone vulnerable?"

"Hmm." Snape thinned his lips in irritation. "Before we leave you should tell your dragon to drop off the donkey when finished playing with him."

"Donkey?" Harry gave Snape a doubtful look, scanning the man from the top of his lank hair to the tip of shiny black shoes peeking out from under his traveling cloak. "You don't strike me as the type of person who would ride a donkey."

"I am not."

Harry rolled his eyes when he realized he wasn't getting any more of an answer than that, but obediently trotted back to the stairwell to yell out the window. He paused, looking slightly baffled, when a strangled shout of "Harry!" reached his ears. Not willing to wait for Harry to discover his friend in the clutches of a dragon, Severus grimaced and cast a Cleaning Charm on Harry's hand before gingerly clasping it in his own. Harry's hand was warm and lightly calloused. Having not held another hand in his since he was a toddler following his mother, Severus stared at their linked hands in morbid fascination before exiting the front doors and walking across the grounds. He dropped Harry's hand as soon as they crossed the front gate and the wards gave a mournful little tinkle in farewell.

"Well," Harry said flatly, mimicking Severus and crossing his arms over his chest. "You did it. You rescued me." The light was soft, muted by the shadows of the trees, casting gentle warmth upon their faces. A slight breeze ruffled through their hair, birds were chirping out happy little songs as they industriously built their nests, and the overwhelming aroma of wildflowers perfumed the air. Harry and Severus stood there, looking at each other. "Now what?"

"Now we walk, Potter."

"Walk at night?" Harry stopped moving, casting a look of alarm at the cloudless sky. "Maybe we should stay here tonight?" he suggested nervously. "It's getting late. We can get a good night sleep in a comfortable home and start out early in the morning."

Severus sighed, wondering with bitter resignation how Gryffindors managed to survive in life without actually _thinking_. "Are you mad?" He didn't bother waiting for the long-winded rebuttal full of righteous indignation. "It is barely gone three in the afternoon, there is plenty of daylight left, and exciting though my betterment of the dragon was, it was neither a daunting nor exhausting task. We are leaving now."

"I'm afraid of the dark." Harry sounded slightly desperate. Snape looked down his nose at Harry and stared him down. "Did Dumbledore happen to tell you _why_ he locked me behind his wards?"

"No, Potter, and I simply do not care to hear the doubtlessly thrilling tale. Waiting until morning will only take us _longer _to reach our destination. Come along."

"But –"

"We have already discussed this, Potter!" Harry looked confused. Severus blithely ignored the fact his justifications had been in his head and glared at the whelp. "We should reach Freshwater by dusk, catch a ride to Cowes, and wait there until the ferry starts in early afternoon. From there we will be one step closer to your mangy mutt and a stiff drink."

Harry looked mutinous. "Will you _listen_ to me for a minute!"

"No." Severus resolved the matter by freezing Harry and levitating the blessedly silent teen along.

Naturally Potter was able to overcome the spell. Severus promptly Stunned him again when the idiot tried to return to the manor. Did he think Severus _liked _playing host to a group of ruffians? Did he not realize that the sooner they tracked down Lupin the sooner both of them could return home? Finally, after having Stunned, Petrified, and cursed the wayward brat, Severus gave up and declared they could spend the night in the forest since Harry seemed genuinely wary of being outside after dark. He was slightly less pleased when Potter produced a beaded bag from his robes and, after carefully rummaging about, produced a tent that smelt slightly of cat urine.


	2. Part 2

**Shrekody, a Snarry Tale**

HPSS

Part Two: A Tale Of Two Travelers

HPSS

There was a vast difference between being poor and being unnecessarily shoddy.

Looking around the tent, the torn, dirty, smelly tent, Severus was again unimpressed with the Weasleys' ability to care for their possessions. He had been raised poor, had grown up knowing to take care of what belonged to him, as everything served a purpose and needed to last. While his robes may have been thread-bare in places, they had always been scrupulously clean and well-mended. The Snape family may not have been able to indulge themselves with pretty dust collectors, but never let it be said that Eileen Prince Snape did not keep a proper home. Sighing yet again, he glanced outside where Harry was layering his own wards over the ones Severus had put down, and set to work.

He was unpacking the hamper Weasley had pressed upon him before leaving Hogwarts when Harry reentered the tent. He didn't look up from his self-appointed task, organizing enough food for the both of them with economic efficiency. Harry sounded startled as he gazed around the room. "What did you do in here, sir? It looks amazing!"

"I cleaned, Mr. Potter, and repaired the damaged hangings." Severus did turn then, studying the boy as he hovered nervously in the doorway. "I further took the time to eliminate all evidence of prior habitation, including the unfortunate excrement left by either a cat in heat or your late Dogfather." He paused as if in consideration, smirking at Harry's instant scowl. "Or perhaps the smell was indicative of a joining between the two?"

"Don't." Harry's hands were clenched into fists at his side. "Don't talk about Sirius like that."

"I shall talk about whomever I please whenever I please. You would do well to remember that."

Harry scowled. "How could I have forgotten how much of a bastard you are?"

"The mind boggles." Severus placed two equally proportioned plates on the table and gestured with a tilt of his head for Harry to join him. "And to think, had you not thrown such a tantrum, our time together would be all the shorter."

"It's just, I." Harry shook his head, crossing the room and slumping at the table. He picked up his fork, rather savagely speared a piece of watermelon, stuck the fruit messily in his mouth, and chewed moodily.

Severus watched the fruit juice dribble down Harry's chin and rolled his eyes, dabbing his own mouth perfunctorily with a napkin. "Perhaps now you will tell me why you were loath to leave the dubious sanctuary of Dumbledore's monstrosity?"

Harry paused, sandwich hovering inches from his open mouth, and eyed Severus before putting the food down. He twitched, bit his lip, took a drink of water, and then determinedly picked his sandwich back up and took a bite. Severus returned his attention to his own plate, content with silence during his evening meal. It wasn't until Harry was – manually – washing the dishes and Severus was settled on the couch writing down combinations of spells and potions that could potentially explain Fred's odd existence that he began to speak.

"I was cursed after the final battle."

"Hmm?" Distracted, Severus looked up, blinking, and frowned over at Harry.

"We're not, I mean," Harry fidgeted. "Hermione is the only one who knows, because she was staying with me after the fighting was all over. Ron was at the Burrow with his family, so it was just the two of us. I was fine during the day, but at night I just…" Harry gave Severus a bleak look. "I just change. Every night. And we don't know why."

"Change how?"

Harry gave a slightly suspicious look at the doors of the tent, watching the shadows lengthen despite the valiant efforts of the early summer sun. "I suspect you'll find out." Severus followed Harry's gaze briefly before looking back and silently demanding additional information. Harry sighed unhappily. "I thought… when you showed up to rescue me, I thought that Dumbledore and Hermione had somehow managed to figure out how to help me. But you didn't know I was cursed at all, so… obviously not."

"Potter."

"Uh uh." Harry shook his head, looking like he was fighting tears. "We'll talk more after you see me tonight. I just…" He trailed off miserably. "Please? Can't we talk about something else?"

Severus watched Harry fidget, surprised at how little satisfaction Harry's obvious unhappiness gave him. "I am surprised you have yet to enquire about the wolf."

Gratitude was a good look on Harry. "Remus?" Giving Severus a tentative smile, Harry walked further into the sitting room and plopped onto a chair. "You mentioned him before. Is he okay?"

"Certainly. If your definition of 'okay' includes overthrowing the Ministry of Magic and becoming a self-proclaimed lord."

"_What_?"

"I was content to leave him be." Severus shifted slightly, leaning further back into the newly-cleaned couch. "I was happy in my home and could care less what he planned to do with the rest of the wizarding world. Then his actions resulted in the cessation of my peace and intrusion into my sanctuary. Ergo, he must be muzzled."

Harry looked perturbed. "But, why would Remus want to be a Dark Lord?"

"The adulation of millions?" Severus gave Harry an irritated look. "Why does anyone do anything, Potter? I am certain he had motivation of some sort, but ask if I care enough about him to find out."

"Sorry," Harry apologized absently, "I just can't see Remus wanting to do anything political. Though now I wonder if that's what all his late night talks with Hermione were about after the war." He scratched his head. "Hermione swore she wouldn't talk about my, um, my problem to anyone, and I was a bit distracted to really care. Then I asked Dumbledore's portrait for guidance and he directed me to his old home."

Severus gave Harry a level look. "Must be some problem to warrant impenetrable wards and a fire-breathing dragon as a guardian."

Now Harry looked irritated. "He didn't tell me about the wards! I went there because he said there may be relevant books in his library on top of the highest tower! Next thing I know, these weird wards snapped into place, I can't leave, and Dumbledore's great aunt Perpetua is acting as go-between Dumbledore's portrait and me." Harry scowled. "His whole family seems prone to telling half-truths. I couldn't send any mail past the wards, couldn't _get _any mail, and had to simply wait and trust that Dumbledore and Hermione would come up with something or someone to help me."

"You were imprudent enough to seek advice from a portrait, yet remain surprised trickery was involved?"

"It was Dumbledore!" Harry stopped, realized what he had shouted, and leaned back, pouting, into the chair. "I needed help," he continued after a few minutes of silence. "I didn't know who to turn to and I was… scared. He made me feel like he could, I don't know, help me or somehow…"

"Make an otherwise intolerable situation bearable." Severus' voice was grim. He couldn't fault the boy for seeking guidance from a portrait. God knew he'd never have survived as Headmaster, dealing with resentful colleagues, hurting and scared children, and weekly visits from the Dark Lord, without moral support and encouragement from his former mentor.

"Yeah." Harry looked annoyingly grateful for the understanding in Severus's voice. They sat in silence, Severus continuing his notes and Harry brooding, until the shadows had stretched far enough to warrant lighting a lamp in the room.

"You might feel better if you hold on to this." Harry fidgeted and bit his lip before handing his wand to Severus. "Just please don't hate me."

Severus stared. Harry looked truly apprehensive as he stood there, wand trembling slightly in his hand. If nothing else, Severus had to admire the courage it took for Harry to relinquish control to a man he barely trusted. Inclining his head briefly, he accepted the wand and pocketed it. They stood there in silence as the sun went down, and then Harry's reflection began to ripple. It wasn't much, barely discernable to the untrained eye, but Severus had spent the last seven years studying Harry, had learned to recognize his character traits, personality, and the tell-tale actions made when being duplicitous. Fingers clenched on his wand handle, black eyes widened in surprise… and stared into equally wide and nervous _red_ eyes.

"It's not my fault," Harry spoke quickly, mouth looking lusciously red in his too-pale face. "Hermione and I don't know what caused it, but two nights after the final battle we were having tea in the kitchen when my eyes changed color. She shot a Stunning Spell at me out of habit, and then I just… erm, _absorbed _the magic, or something."

Severus didn't say anything, merely shot a Stunning Spell at the boy. Harry made no move to dodge, standing there with a resigned expression on his face and his hands arrogantly perched on his hips. Severus watched, wand clasped securely in hand, as the spell seemed to hit a solid barrier of magic mere inches from the boy… and dissipate.

Oh. Well, now, _that_ was arousing.

"Interesting control." Mind spinning over this new development, Severus walked closer, slapping Harry's hand away when he tried to push him back. Harry looked startled, but let Snape examine his magical aura, only hissing in protest and grabbing Snape's wrist when Severus began tapping various places on his body with his wand and muttering to himself.

"Professor…"

"I have been relieved of my unfortunate position as an educator."

"What?" Harry blinked, processing this, hand still lightly gripping Severus' wand hand. "Snape," he tried again. "What are you doing?"

"Fascinating." Severus murmured to himself, twisting his wrist free and casting stronger and stronger curses at Harry. Each time, the spell dissipated before connecting, and each time Harry's aura gave a tangible pulse and glowed briefly before fading. All Severus needed was a vial of Harry's blood and, oh, the tests he could run…

"You mean you're not scared?"

The tone was so pathetically hopeful that Severus dragged his eyes away from his wand long enough to give Harry a withering look. "Why on earth would I be scared of you, Potter?"

"Cause I've survived the killing curse twice and seem to have a force field surrounding me at night?" Severus paused in consideration. Harry continued babbling. "Or maybe because my eyes turn red like _His _did and I can perform Dark Magic as easily as breathing?"

"Force… Really?" side tracked, Severus tossed Harry his wand before striding outside the tent. He returned moments later holding a freshly dug up flower and tossed it on the table. "Cast _Perussi Navitas _on the plant, Potter."

Harry held his wand loosely, making no move to spell anything. "This doesn't, this really doesn't…" Harry trailed off, gesturing at himself self-consciously. "I don't know, bring back unpleasant memories, scare you," he bit his lip, "make you remember things best left buried in your nightmares or something?"

How could he possibly answer that question?

There was no way in the forty-eight levels of Hell that Severus would admit to that very fear, that he would acknowledge how closely he had watched the boy after Draco had been cursed with a spell it had taken him years to create, let alone master. How he had fought with Dumbledore over his assigned murder, terrified the full weight of Potter's wrath would wash over him, obliterate him, break something inside of him that had remained uniquely his even after twenty years of servitude.

"I have enumerated your failings for years, Potter, your primary fault being your intimate acquaintance with the baser levels of inadequacy."

"... Huh?"

"You are content to be less than you are capable of."

"I'm not!" Harry furrowed his brow, barely flinching as Severus gave up on Harry casting the spell and grabbed his wrist, pricked the vein to collect a sample of blood. "I just want to be normal, average. That's not so wrong, is it?

"Has your pursuit of knowledge been systematically hampered by your desire for normalcy?"

"Well." Harry flushed. "Maybe a little. Sometimes." He frowned, obediently tilting his head for Severus to pluck out several strands of hair. "So, what, if I'd been smarter or better prepared, this wouldn't have happened?"

"Your magical inconsistency had to materialize somewhere."

Severus wanted his laboratory, wanted to analyze the magical properties in Potter's hair and blood both now and in the morning when his levels had evened out. He wondered if he could ask Potter for a semen and urine sample. Wondered how long it would take Potter to realize…

"Did you just compliment me?"

"Back-handed and reluctant though it was." Harry gave him an uncertain smile. Severus rolled his eyes. "You have the potential to do great deeds in your life, Potter. Whether or not you discover the drive to actually accomplish any plans, grandiose as they inevitably will be, remains to be seen."

"Well I can't bloody well 'accomplish my goals' looking like this, now can I?"

Severus had to give him that. The wizarding world as a whole was prone to random bouts of hysteria. As it had not been a full calendar year since the last self-proclaimed Dark Lord had been vanquished, to say nothing of –Severus rolled his eyes at the mere thought- Lupin, he had no doubts that Harry's evening appearance would set the masses aflame with the need to form lynch mob's and/or flee the continent.

He didn't know how to express this understanding of Potter's position without sounding sappy or, worse, patronizing, so he merely frowned and walked away to store the samples. The rest of the evening passed in silence before they both eventually went to their respective rooms and slept.

The morning brought the end to the tentative peace discussing Harry's condition had wrought. Severus ruthlessly tamped down remorse over Harry's disappointed expression, collecting another sample of blood and hair follicles in sullen silence, snapping out orders until the tent had been summarily packed up, put away, and they were again on their way. They walked in silence to Freshwater, Harry only turning to give Severus an inquiring look when he directed the taxi driver to take them to Yarmouth.

"There is a wightlink car ferry in Yarmouth," Severus explained curtly. "It will take us to Lymington."

"But…" Harry frowned. "If you knew there was a ferry so close to Freshwater all along, why did you come in at Cowes?"

"I despair of tourists."

Harry understood once they reached Lymington in Hampshire. Yachts were everywhere, as were tourists walking up and down the old-fashioned shops. It was loud, crowded, and utterly charming. Harry wanted to grab an ice-cream or coffee and sit by the water front. Severus, naturally, maintained a firm grip on Harry's arm and propelled him through the confusion and onto a relatively hidden side street. "Have you ever been to Sherwood Forest, Potter?"

"Huh?" Harry ripped his attention away from a sign detailing the renovation plans for Yarmouth and focused on Severus' unsmiling face. "Oh. No, I haven't."

"Neither have I." Severus looked so put out by this thought that Harry wisely refrained from commenting. "We shall have to drive."

"Can't we take the train?" Harry asked hopefully. "Aside from the Hogwarts Express, I've never been on a train before."

"This is not a pleasure trip, Potter!"

Harry subsided under the force of Severus' glare, meekly sliding into another taxi, ignoring the conversation between Severus and the driver in favor of gazing out the window. He'd never been out this way before, and looked around the changing landscape in fascination as the taxi turned onto the A34 and drove to the Wendlebury Interchange, only blinking back into awareness when the driver turned off the M40 at Junction 9. He looked around in confusion, certain that there had been a miscommunication somewhere as this was certainly not the forest. "Sir?"

"Quiet, Potter."

He frowned but subsided, a smile breaking across his face when the taxi pulled to the curb in front of the Oxford Road Railway station. Harry grinned the whole way to the checkout teller as Severus procured tickets to Newark Northgate station. He only tempered his euphoric expression when they were settled in their seats and Severus again grumbled out, "oh, do be quiet, Potter."

Severus opened his eyes in confusion. The rhythmic rocking of the train had relaxed him more than he'd suspected possible. He'd meant to close his eyes for merely a moment, but judging by the landscape and the weight on his shoulder, he'd slipped into sleep along with Harry. A glance at his watch showed him he'd dozed for over two hours, they were nearly at Doncaster, where they would need to catch a connecting train to Newark. Still, he sat there a few minutes longer, oddly comforted by sleepy snuffling noises and the warmth of Harry's head on his shoulder.

Shaking Harry lightly, he stared down as sleepy green eyes opened and locked on to him. Harry blinked lazily, looking barely conscious, making no move to lift his head, and smiled. Severus sat there, feeling like he'd been punched in the gut as those eyes – _Lily's eyes!_ - stared out at him from a face he had hated for most of his life. What was this feeling creeping through his stomach? What was it that was holding him motionless, causing him to memorize the blinking of too long lashes against flushed skin, the scar peeking rebelliously out from the fringe on an otherwise smooth forehead, a freckle on the tip of a slightly upturned nose?

"We're nearly there." His voice came out quieter than he had been aiming for, though no less calm.

Harry blinked again. "Yeah." He shifted at last, lifting his head from its perch on Severus' shoulder and stretching his back.

Severus dismissed the feeling in his gut as motion sickness and made sure their belongings were properly secured.

Sherwood Forest was stunningly beautiful. Open, lush, peaceful. Harry took a deep breath of the clean-smelling air and smiled. He much preferred being outside than cooped up indoors, especially after nearly four hours on a train. He glanced at his companion, noticing a softening on the lines around Severus' mouth. Clearly he enjoyed being outside as well.

"Stay close, Potter." Severus spoke absently, wand in hand as he tapped first his head then Harry's. He reached out and gripped Harry's arm, ignoring the boy's involuntary shiver as the cold trickles of the Disillusionment Spell washed over him. "The forest is large and I would hate to lose you."

Harry grinned, following his guide's blurred outline unresistingly. "How large is it?"

"About as large as the Forbidden Forest." Even invisible, Severus could picture the look of incomprehension on Harry's face. "Nearly two square miles, Potter."

"Oh."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Over twenty-seven million feet."

"_Oh._"

"Precisely. It will not do to be separated, as there is no guarantee we would be able to easily find each other again."

Harry didn't say anything to that, merely twisting the arm Severus held until their palms met, fingers gripping tightly together. Severus frowned at the contact, but decided to allow it as they passed guides, tourists, families grouped together, and headed deeper into the forest. Only when it was completely silent around them did he drop the spells and then, remembering, Harry's hand.

"It's quiet here." Harry stood by his side, taking deep lungfuls of air. "And open. I like open spaces best."

"As do I."

Harry smiled at the admission, spreading his arms out and spinning twice in a circle. "Luna does too, I think. She was pretty comfortable in the Forbidden Forest. How'd you know she came here anyway?"

"_Locus veneficus_." Severus cast his spell carefully, first to the north, than east, west, and finally south He lowered his wand with a satisfied expression, and only then really became aware of Harry patiently awaiting an answer. "A source informed me of her location, as well as the fact she has set up base operations here."

"Base operations?" Harry laughed, kicking at a rock while he waited for whatever spell Snape had cast to return. "You make it sound so secret-agenty."

"The ideas that girl comes up with never ceases to amaze me."

Harry could only agree, continuing his happy spinning as different colored lights began drifting towards their location. Snape did not look happy by whatever readings his spell had brought him, scowling at a particularly sparkly string of pink light that hovered by his nose. Harry snickered, quickly dropping his eyes to the ground before the man could lash out at him.

Severus sighed. "It's no good, Potter. There is too much residue in the forest to pinpoint one specific pulse of magic. Therefore, we shall simply have to walk towards the closest cluster of magical energy and hope for the best." He glared at a tree as though wishing to convey his extreme displeasure over this result.

"S'okay." Harry shrugged philosophically, latching on to Snape's arm and falling into step before the man could lose him in the forest. Happy to be outside he may very well be, but Harry had experience with magical forests. Snape had been prepared to step in front of an enraged werewolf to protect him when he was thirteen. If he was going to be traipsing about in a forest _now_, he wanted that reassuring presence close. Therefore he merely smiled when his former professor glared down at him. "You can call me Harry, you know."

"You will find I have always possessed that capability."

"Huh?" Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh for goodness sake, you _may_ call me Harry."

"I am ever so grateful for your permission, Potter."

"And I'll call you Severus," Harry ignored the snide commentary and continued on happily. "Or maybe just Snape," he corrected, shrinking away from the stony black gaze. "After all I can't call you professor anymore, right?"

Severus grunted, wondering what he had done in a previous lifetime to merit walking through a dense forest with a babbling immortal. He cast a wary eye at the steadily darkening sky, noticing the heavy cloudy and the chilling bite to the wind. A storm was rolling in. They walked for another hour before a warning rumble of thunder split the sky and Severus directed Harry to stop and begin putting up the tent. He summoned Kreacher for more food, ignoring the elf's tears when Kreacher spotted his true master. Harry was blushing profusely by the time they managed to dismiss the creature and begin laying out the wards.

"I'm glad he listens to you." Harry ignored Severus' grunt, continuing to ladle beef barley soup into thick bowls. "I asked him too, after I dumped your stuff at the house, but I wasn't sure if he would since I disappeared soon after."

"Ah yes." Severus put down his slice of bread, looking at Harry over the flickering candle light. "Why _did_ you feel the urge to relocate my possessions?"

Harry flushed. "You were in hospital," he explained hesitantly, "and we weren't sure when you were going to wake up, or if your magic would be damaged somehow." Harry dropped his eyes to his spoon. "I figured, you know, that since magic didn't really affect me at night, it would be safer for me to collect your things than for you to try when you were still weak and recovering."

Severus thought about falling to the ground the first time he tried to stand independently, the way he'd practically been crawling by the time he reached his dungeons, how it had take two months before he was strong enough to leave Hogwarts. Had any of his former associates been waiting to spring a trap on him, he surely would have fallen. Loathe as he was to admit it, Harry had been correct in assuming he would not be strong enough to withstand a premeditated assault or well-aimed curse. But why had the boy been thinking of him to begin with?

He wasn't aware of having asked the question aloud until Harry flushed and dropped his head. "Before, um, before it became clear that Hermione and I weren't going to be able to figure out what was wrong with me, I had this idea." Harry's blush deepened. "I though, I mean, you had risked so much for me, that if I took care of you and offered my hospitality, you would know I knew we were even and sincerely appreciated and respected you."

"You respected me?" Severus was stunned. That weird feeling in his stomach returned when serious green eyes met his.

"I still do, Snape." Harry bit his lip, once again absently swirling his spoon through his bowl. "I don't… I don't feel like I owe you anything, but I wish I did. You know? I mean, it was war. We all did things we didn't want to do simply because it needed to be done." Here, Harry looked faintly ill. "I mean, I put a guy under the Imperius Curse and then left him at Gringotts." Severus felt his eyebrows shoot up in surprise over this. "And it just seems to me that you were always the better player."

"Pardon me?"

"If war is a game you are a master player," Harry elaborated. "You did what you had to do, and managed not to get caught even when you were hedging your bets and playing one side against the other." Severus frowned, wondering precisely how much of his war activities Potter was familiar with. "I always thought that if I owed you something, it would be easier to get you to talk to me. But we're even, if you don't let decisions made during war count against each other. And I find it's easier to respect you when I think of us as being even, then when I think of me owing you."

Severus frowned, mulling this over as he picked his bread back up. Harry seemed to recognize the conversation was over, for he returned to actually eating his soup rather than playing with it. Rain beat down around them, softened by the extensive warding they had both instinctively cast. He didn't see a problem, per se, with Potter feeling the way he did. It was easier all around when matters of life debts and obligations were not cast around like play things. They cleaned up their meal in easy silence, Harry once again volunteering to do the dishes while Severus retreated to the sofa and his notes. Harry joined him soon after, sprawling out with a book on the same chair he'd sat in last night.

"Yes."

His quietly spoken word had Harry looking up from his book, blinking owlishly as he shoved his glasses back up his nose. "What?"

"I said yes, Potter." Severus cleared his throat, uncomfortable as Harry continued looking at him blankly. "You may address me as Severus, should you still wish to do so."

A bright smile lit up Harry's face. Severus scowled in response. "Thank you, Severus." Harry said the name slowly, testing out how it felt. He grinned, apparently liking the feeling. "And I was serious earlier, Severus."

Good grief, was the boy going to say his name after every sentence, now he had permission to do so? "Regarding?"

This time the smile was slightly shy. "I really would like it if you called me Harry."

Hmm. All this implied intimacy was giving him a migraine. And an odd craving for lemon drops. In self-defense he retreated back behind the safety of his notes. "I shall see what I can do."

Night fell, Harry obligingly letting him run more tests until Severus was ready to leave the brat here, retreat to his labs, and stay hidden until he had solved the puzzle of Harry's night problem and Fred's frozen stasis. Only the thought of the people swarming about his home kept him from calling the whole venture off. Harry looked like he knew what Severus was thinking, laughing whenever Severus' eyes strayed to the opening of the tent. He sat beside Severus on the couch that night, asking more questions than offering advice, but not irritatingly so. They fell asleep in the sitting room, side-by-side. Severus experienced a profound sense of disorientation upon waking and finding Harry's head once again resting on his shoulder.

The rain continued falling with unforgiving persistency throughout the morning. They waited as long as they could, going so far as to finish off their soup as an early lunch, before casting Imperturbable charms and braving the rain. The forest smelled fresh and alive. Severus found himself breathing deeply, not the slightest bit disturbed when Harry once again latched on to his arm to prevent separation. They were relaxed, meandering more than walking, talking together quietly, when a red beam of light shot over their heads and collided with a tree.

"Halt foul beast! Halt in the name of –"

Severus whipped out his wand, shoved Harry behind him, and knocked out his opponent before he discovered who the miscreant was or in whose name he was preparing to curse them. Behind him, Harry had similarly dispatched another would-be attacker.

Harry stared down at the prone form of Terry Boot and blinked. "What the hell?"

It sounded like something his donkey friend would say. Severus pondered, briefly, the fate of the youngest Weasley male, before dismissing the distraction from his mind and glaring at his former pupil. He could hear whispering from behind the next layer of trees, and steadied his wand, exchanging a grim look with Harry. They both nearly attacked when a yellow blur moved out from amongst the trees, only a stirring of recognition and true surprise keeping their wands in check.

"Stop!" Luna Lovegood looked distressed as she bent her knees to propel her tree swing back and forth. She stopped talking as she disappeared from view, resuming once she'd reappeared. "They are ruffians, much like ourselves." Silence; swing. "Allow them safe passage!" Silence; swing. She brandished her wand, absently canceling the spells on her followers. "Hello, Harry! Isn't it nice of the professor –" silence; swing, "- to keep the Nargles away from you?"

"Professor Snape!" Gregory Goyle recognized him as he was revived, and grinned from where he still lay tied up on the ground. "I've been hired as a Robbin' Ho!"

"Robin Hood," Terry corrected faintly, looking ready to pass out from sheer dread when he realized whom he had just tried to hex.

"We're re-engaging bands," Goyle continued, shaking off his ropes and staggering to his feet. He suddenly looked very sad. "But they won't let me play my ukulele because it might give away our position."

"Renegade bandits," Neville Longbottom interrupted gently, emerging from the woods and canceling the remaining spells on his fallen comrades. "Hi, guys! Good to see you again, Harry!"

Harry waved back absently, sharing a quick, incredulous look with Severus. "You too, Nev."

Luna floated out of the forest wearing a crown of mistletoe. All three boys obediently kissed her cheek as she passed them. "Harry!" Luna draped a lei made from freshly-picked wildflowers around Harry's neck and kissed both of his cheeks. "Have you come to take your rightful place on Pride Rock?" Harry blinked. "And your valiant rescuer!" Luna smiled brightly at Snape, turning with another lei in her hands. She sighed sadly as the lei went up in flames, dropping the mutilated flowers before they burned her hands. "Oh dear."

"Scintillating as this traumatic interlude has been," Severus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "We are searching for Lupin. An informant tells me you have managed to discern his residence."

"Ooohhhh!" Neville obligingly made his voice go high-pitched and trembly. "The beast seeks out the evil Lord Farquaad!"

"What is _with_ that name?" Harry muttered under his breath. Severus shook his head silently, keeping his wand trained on the deranged youth.

"Did you pay the toll?" Goyle yawned and stretched. "'Cause you can't cross the river without paying the toll, or else I'll have to drown you."

"And then we'll have to sing again." Terry muttered under his breath, darting a look of revulsion to the tights Neville was wearing.

Luna ignored the chatter, gazing at Severus with the same rapt attention she would have shown had he announced he planned to Riverdance on the moon. "Do you know the Muffin Man?" She asked breathlessly.

Severus blinked. "The Muffin Man?"

"Yes," she agreed solemnly. "The Muffin Man."

"Over on Drury Lane," Neville offered hesitantly.

Severus looked at Longbottom, mentally picturing London in his head. "Out by the Theatre Royal?" Longbottom looked confused. As this was no different from his normal expression, Severus dismissed the boy with a look and turned back to the dubious competency of the blonde.

Luna smiled dreamily. "He's married to The Muffin Man."

"The Muffin Man?" Harry repeated, sharing a look with Severus.

"Yes, The Muffin Man!" Terry Boot snapped defensively, thinking they were picking on Luna.

"He's married to The Muffin Man," Severus repeated flatly. "How very… illuminating." He arched an eyebrow and stared around the group of teenagers. "Anything else you care to share?"

"Quoth the raven, nevermore! Ca-Caw! Ca-Caw!" Flapping her arms like a bird in flight, Luna turned and hopped back into the shadow of the trees, her renegade friends falling into formation right behind her.

Severus sighed, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose again. "Well," Harry offered after a prolonged moment of silence, "at least my friends are harmless crazy." Severus turned his head far enough to look at Harry. "Playing bandits and acting like birds is a step up from torturing and murdering innocents."

"I shall take your word for it." Irritated over the continued rain and ex-students in general, Severus cast an eye at the lengthening shadows, inclining his head towards an outcropping of rocks about half a mile away. "Provided you have not changed your mind about traveling at night, we shall need to secure and ward appropriate lodging for the evening."

Harry nodded soberly, falling into stride with Severus without another word. They summoned Kreacher while they set up a fire and the tent, waiting to set the privacy wards until the elf had returned with a basket of food and disappeared again. This, their third night together, went much smoother than their others. By now they had developed a rhythm of unpacking the tent, establishing appropriate warding, and finding topics safe enough to discuss over the dinner table. The rain stopped, finally, while Harry was humming in the kitchen. Severus took advantage of the clear sky and slipped outside, pausing only long enough to grab a bottle of whiskey he'd found stashed under a mattress.

It was oddly peaceful here in the forest. The breeze was brisk, but not unpleasantly so, rich with an underlying warmth that spoke of spring and regeneration. Severus sat on a blanket, leaning against a boulder, a bottle of scotch his only company as he stared out at the unending row of trees.

"Isn't it a bit early for star gazing?"

He turned at Harry's quiet voice, watching the boy hesitantly approach his resting spot. He turned back to the view, too oddly peaceful to care about the interruption. "I am not so intoxicated to do something so useless. I am merely keeping watch over our location."

"Ah." The blanket rustled as Harry invaded his space. "Isn't that what our protection spells are for?" He laughed as Severus merely looked at him. "I don't really know much about astronomy," Harry admitted quietly, moving to sit next to Severus and picking up the conversation he had tried to initiate. He blushed when their shoulders bumped. Severus arched an eyebrow in response but was too comfortable to move over. "I passed the tests and all, but having the Centaurs tell me that Mars was bright was about as in depth as I got." Severus snorted, taking another pull from the bottle before reluctantly passing it over. Harry sipped, gagged, coughed, and passed it back. "So, uh, do you recognize any constellations?"

"That one," Severus waved the bottle vaguely at a clumping of stars just becoming visible in the steadily darkening sky. "That's Throwback, the first Potions master to develop a potion that destroyed over three wheat fields at once."

"Really?" Harry tilted his head to the side and studied the mass of stars critically. He could vaguely make out a person-based figure. "Okay, I see it." Severus snorted and passed the bottle again. Harry managed not to choke himself on this swallow. "Hey, Snape? Can you tell my future from these stars?"

Severus sighed tiredly, taking another pull from the bottle. "The stars don't tell the future, Potter. They tell stories. That one is Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for."

Harry snorted, feeling relaxed and peculiarly light-headed. "Okay, now I know you're making that up."

Snape arched an eyebrow and stared him down. "No, see? That grouping of stars is him, and this is the group of hunters running away from his stench."

"I get the point!" Harry laughed, oddly reassured that Snape couldn't tell his destiny by the stars. He wasn't aware he'd voiced this aloud until Snape responded.

"Most individuals do not have the luxury of having their future dictated for them."

"Luxury?" Harry gaped at the man. "You think fulfilling a prophecy where I might die is a luxury?" Snape's silence was his only response. Oddly hurt, Harry seethed in silence for a minute. "Do you know how much it sucked not knowing if I could trust _anyone_ around me? People looking at me and judging me, forcing their expectations on me?"

"Do I know how that feels?" Severus' voice was dark as silk. Harry shivered, watching the man's Adam's apple bob as he drank another swallow of scotch. "Since we are apparently feeling maudlin and pathetic, yes, I do. People take one look at me and see a Death Eater, double agent, colleague, spy, professor. The only people who looked at me and saw _me_ was my mother, a little girl named Lily, and Albus. They're all gone now. Sometimes..." Severus shook his head, refusing to finish the sentence. Drunk, sappy, whatever, there were some feelings that must remain private. He took another long pull from the bottle before passing it to Harry.

Harry accepted the bottle, giving Severus a drunk, assessing look. "That's why I love Hermione and Ron." He hiccupped, slumping down so his shoulder just bumped against Snape's. "When they look at me, they see me, not the Boy Who Lived or Chosen One. They see _me_. Just Harry." He took a long drink, not an experienced enough drinker to hide his slight wince at the burn before passing the bottle back to Severus. "Sometimes I want to cling to them, lock them up like Dumbledore had me locked me, so I can keep them safe. If they leave…" Harry sighed, leaning his head on Severus' shoulder. "There'll be no one left who knows me. I'll have disappeared." Harry fisted his hands and then released them, using his fingers to mimic an explosion.

Startled and rather uneasy over the comparison between Lily and Hermione, and the echoing of his own thoughts, Severus said nothing. He sat there, drinking steadily and staring out into the forest, as the weight on his shoulder increased and soft snores filled the night air.

With the rain gone they had no excuse to linger over breakfast, packing up quickly and easily. By mutual consent they decided to continue walking through the forest, heading east until they would eventually hit the town of Edwinstowe and Apparating from there. They walked a bit slower as signs of civilization began showing up, eventually stopping for lunch alongside a creek, just outside city limits. It was there they were discovered by an annoying varmint.

"Cherry Bomb!" Harry grinned, pointing over his head where a dragon was slowly circling, something red-headed and squirmy perched atop her shoulders.

"The prodigal donkey has returned," Severus muttered irritably, feeling his vague sense of contentment disappear.

"What's that?"

Severus shook his head, declining to answer. They sat there, neither one making a move to get up and greet their visitor properly, listening to the mournful wail of the dragon and hurried muttered condolences. Harry looked deeply suspicious. "Does their good-bye seem to be taking longer than normal, or is that just me?"

Ron came tumbling out of the bushes as the dragon flew away, still groaning out her mournful tune. He blinked at Harry and Severus, grunted out a greeting, and tripped past them until he reached the stream. There he began drinking water like a man dehydrated nearly to his limit. "Uh, Ron…?" Harry began cautiously.

"Nothing happened!" Ron shot to his feet with wild eyes, swayed slightly, and collapsed back on the river bank. Harry gazed at his friend in shock. Severus snorted.

"All done playing with your dragon?"

"What?" Harry looked between the two men suspiciously.

"It was consensual!"

"_What? _"

"You're cuddling Snape," Ron blurted out, pointing accusingly to where the two sat shoulder-to-shoulder under the tree.

"I do not cuddle," Snape interrupted dangerously. He looked at Harry, unsurprised to find him looking as uncomfortable with the suggestion as he did.

Harry flushed and ducked his head. "So, nothing happened, huh?"

Ron relaxed, dragging himself back onto his knees to drink more water. He spoke around slurps, much to Snape's everlasting disgust. "Nope," Ron said in an overly-cheerful tone of voice. "And you two are simply resting under the tree like mates." Severus growled, ignoring the warning hand Harry pressed to his knee. "Acquaintances," Ron hastily amended. "You look more like acquaintances than friends."

Harry and Severus continued to lean against each other, enjoying the silence as Ron flopped around in the water like a possessed jellyfish. Finally sated and cooled off, Ron threw himself on the ground at Harry and Severus' feet and gazed at them curiously. "Why haven't you guys simply Apparated back to Hogwarts? Draggie and I checked there first, but no one had seen you."

Harry shrugged, shifting closer to Snape until he was practically fused to the man's side. Ron looked between the two of them, eyes widening. Severus gave the impertinent twit a narrow-eyes glare. Ron gulped and hastily looked away. "It's good to see you again, Harry." Ron smiled at his friend. His eyes dropped to where Severus was absently stroking the back of Harry's hand as it lay on his knee. Ron hastily looked away as Harry blushed.

Busy ignoring them both and, thus, missing the interlude, Severus finally decided upon a course of action. "If you two have quite finished your greetings, we should be off."

"Off?" Ron scrambled to his feet when Severus and Harry stood. "Where are we going?"

Harry sighed quietly and looked at his feet. Severus frowned, unaccountably irritated with how easily the plural pronoun tripped across Weasley's tongue. "To find Remus," Harry said softly, giving Severus an oddly apologetic look.

"You know where Moony is? You found Luna?" Ron looked around eagerly, as though expecting the blonde to magically appear by his side. Severus remembered the tree swing and cast a wary eye at the tree line, smirking when he noticed Harry doing the same thing.

"Yeah, we found her," Harry answered, still smiling at Severus. "Her and Neville, Terry Boot, and Greg Goyle of all people."

"What?" Ron laughed, staring at Harry. "What's she doing with all of them?"

"Nesting."

Ron and Harry turned to look at him in surprise. Harry gave a snort of laughter. "Yeah, that." He reached out and slid his arm through Severus' before turning to smile at Ron. "You'd best grab hold if you want to come with us." Ron looked at them, paled slightly, but gamely latched on to Severus' left arm.


	3. Part 3 and 4

**Author's Note: Last chapter. Hope you enjoyed the story :)**

HPSS

**Shrekody, a Snarry Tale**

HPSS

Part Three: Confronting the beast

HPSS

The three of them appeared in Covent Garden, one of the few places Severus had been to enough near Drury Lane to be comfortable Apparating to. Ron dropped Severus' arm and immediately began looking around in wide-eyed delight. Harry tightened his hold on Severus' hand, smiling at the color and activity surrounding them. Severus lost himself for a moment, immersed in memories of his youth and spending time here with his mother, absently squeezing Harry's hand in understanding before moving from the shadowy corner.

Covent Garden was fairly throbbing with energy. Street performers were singing and dancing, costumed thespians passed out playbills for the Royal Opera House, and brightly lit signs coaxed the masses into their stores. Several young adults were sitting on the ground next to a spreading of homemade jewelry, the glass and pale stone of the Covent Garden Market and surrounding buildings giving an overall impression of light and calm, despite the crowds.

"I like it here," Harry remarked from his side. Severus blinked his reverie away, and looked down. Harry smiled up at him, eyes bright and curious. "It looks really familiar, too, though I don't remember ever being here before."

"You may have passed by here." Severus frowned at the husky timbre of his voice and shook his head slightly. "We are quite close to Charing Cross Road, after all."

"What's on Charing Cross Road?"

He had to look to make sure Harry wasn't mocking him. Harry smiled up at him. Severus grunted. "The Leaky Cauldron, you ignorant beast." Harry laughed, squeezing the hand still joined with his. Severus frowned. "It would not have been fortuitous had my father discovered the location to the magical world. Hence, my mother used to bring me here to while away the days. We would watch the street performers, sit and have an ice-cream under the young dancer statue in front of the theatre, and then head to Charing Cross Road and wander through the book shops."

Harry smiled softly. "That sounds like a lot of fun."

"Mmm." Severus looked around, seeing their surrounds as they used to be instead of how they were.. "My mother always took me to Foyles, first. It was shiny, bright, almost other-worldly. But my favorite?" He looked down at Harry, checking his level of interest. Harry looked back with a soft smile on his face. Encouraged, Severus finished. "The Quinto Bookshop. T'was an old and dusty store that sold second-hand books. The proprietor didn't care if I curled up on the floor and read for hours. Took me ages to realize the man was merely a Muggle and had not enchanted the shop."

"That sounds lovely."

"Yes, well." Severus cleared his throat, cursing himself for getting so lost in past recollections.

"Perhaps we can go to Qunito's together sometime." Severus gave him a sharp look. Harry shrugged and wisely changed the subject. "Maybe we can also go to Portobello Road when we have our outing? My teacher back in primary school used to play music when we were working on art or reading. One of the songs told about Portobello Road being 'a street where the riches of ages unfold.' I've always wanted to see it." Harry flushed and looked away.

"Hey, wait up!" They both started, turning as Ron hurried up to them. "Did you forget I was here or something?"

They walked to Drury Road in mostly silence, save the odd exclamation when something particularly exciting, like scandalous clothing or pretty architecture, caught their attention. And then, nestled in-between a book store and a clothing store, a brightly lit sign showing a baker's hat outlined in neon green caught their attention. Written in fancy italic hot pink script, _The Muffin Man_ seemed to scream for attention from clear across the road. Severus glowered, Harry snickered, and for the second time Ron Weasley stole the words right out of Severus' mouth.

"That totally looks like something the twins would do."

"Indeed."

They swept into the shop. A pretty girl with blonde hair was manning the register, a teenage boy with seven piercings in his ear was wiping down tables, and a young woman covered in flour with hot pink and purple striped hair was cheerfully screeching along to the radio as she expertly rolled out dough. Severus stared, feeling the muscle below his left eye begin to twitch.

"Nymphadora."

Her head shot up in surprise at the title, her instinctive scowl morphing into a beaming smile when she saw who had entered her shop. "Harry!" She threw her arms wide, flinging bits of dough and the rolling pin as she hurried forward. Without pausing in her conversation, the girl behind the register ducked, unfazed and not so much as flinching at narrowly being hit in the head by flying utensils. Tonks tripped over the pierced boy's shoe, made a mad grab, collided with Ron, and tumbled the three of them to the floor in a flailing mass of limbs and cinnamon-scented mess. Harry and Severus traded a look, Harry taking a half-step to the left to hide behind Severus.

"Wotcher!" Looking completely unperturbed to be laying on the ground, Tonks beamed up at Harry. "It's great to see you! Remmy and I have been so worried! You're staying for dinner, right?" She seized the pierced boy's proffered wrist and let herself be pulled to her feet. Without missing a beat she grabbed Harry and pulled him into a fierce hug. "You can meet Teddy!" She continued to enthuse as Severus pulled Harry from her arms and back behind him. Ron was grabbed next, his hug turning into a head lock as Tonks slipped on her own mess and nearly crashed again. The pieced boy simply sighed and ambled off to grab a broom.

"You, uh, you own a bakery, Tonks?"

"Yep!" She beamed around the store. "Decided I was tired of being an Auror after all the shit I went through the last couple of years. And once Remmy became Minister, well, spouses really shouldn't work together. Need some time apart, you know?"

"But why is your store call The Muffin Man?" Ron's voice was muffled, hampered by the hand covering his lightly bleeding nose.

"Oh, that's for my Da." Tonks' smile drooped slightly. "When Rem and I bought the place Mum went on about how he used to whistle the tune to me as a little girl." She shrugged, smile returning to full bloom. "The locals think it's a hoot, and all the tourists like to have their picture taken in front of my sign."

"Really was a brilliant business move," Harry agreed.

"And is _Remmy_ here?" Snape interrupted, sneering the nickname.

"He's upstairs with Teddy." Tonks laughed, sticking her hands on her hips, pulling them off a second later to brush more dough and flour off of her and on to the floor. The blonde, now finished with her guest, paused to pass the pierced boy a coffee before moving on to the next customer. The boy sat at the counter, drinking his coffee, and watched the mess multiply with a glum expression. Tonks appeared oblivious to the entire exchange and continued beaming at Harry. "Remmy said he's teaching Teddy the finer points of hostage negotiation, or some such rot."

Severus gave a reluctantly impressed nod at this. Perhaps the wolf wasn't completely useless after all. "You've resigned yourself, then, to the inevitability of your son being sorted into Slytherin?"

Tonks shook her head. "He'll be in Ravenclaw," she corrected. "That way people will expect him to be bright, but not instinctively associate him with the last Dark Lord, or with his father, the current Lord."

"Wish I'd thought of that before refusing to be sorted into Slytherin." Harry looked disgruntled.

"Pardon me?"

"Erm." Harry flushed, eyes sliding away from both Ron and Severus. "Nothing." Desperately, he turned to Tonks and pinned a bright smile on his face. "So, what's with all this Farquaad nonsense anyway?"

"Oh, that." Tonks shook her head, dislodging a lump of bread dough that had valiantly clung to her earlobe. "Well, it's more Remus' story to tell, really. You'll stay for tea, right?" She pointed to a bright yellow door at the back of the room. "Just go on through, I'll be up soon as I dispatch the Health Inspector."

Ron blinked. "Who?"

The pierced boy snorted as he came to start sweeping up the drying mess. "The guy who always starts twitching as soon as he walks through the door, spends twenty minutes in the freezer making out with the mop, and leaves smiling and muttering something about shiny blue lights."

Tonks flushed. "Muggles." She shrugged. "They have so many stupid sanitation rules and you can only Obliviate them so many times, you know? Oh, come along, Ron, and we'll patch your nose up while we're at it."

Harry and Severus exchanged another, slightly grim, look and headed for the door. The yellow door gave way to turquoise walls and purple stairs. Harry closed his eyes and latched on to Snape's arm again. "I feel sea sick."

Severus snorted, marching up the stairs and pulling an increasingly reluctant Harry along behind him. The door at the top of the stairs, a bright lime green, seemed to snicker at them as it obligingly swung open. Harry sighed in relief as boring white walls stared back at them, interrupted at random intervals with splashy portraits and a mish-mash of pictures. A dark blue velvet couch took up most of one wall, a bundle of snoring blankets was curled up in a forest green chair, and perched Indian-style on a braided purple rug, surrounded by papers and ledgers, sat Remus Lupin.

Remus looked up with a distracted smile when the door opened, only to promptly drop his papers in shock as Severus and Harry entered the room and shut the door behind them. Remus grinned, laughing out loud as he tried to stand, only for his muscles to lock and send him crashing back to the floor. He smiled wryly, shifting his body back into a sitting position. "Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex."

There were so many things Harry wanted to say to Remus… sorry you almost died in the final battle, wow, you're a father, and I have missed you. It all muddled together in his head, only Severus standing by his side keeping him calm. In the end, though, Harry was a Gryffindor and, therefore, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. "Lord Farquaad?"

"Ah, yes." Remus flushed, running a hand through his hair and smiling sheepishly. "That." He climbed to his feet, wincing and shaking his right leg to wake it up. "Heard about that, did you?"

"Squatters appeared in my home." Severus kept his voice calm and cold, gratified when Remus blanched all the same. Harry squeezed his arm gently.

"What are you doing, Remus?" Harry bit his lip. "Why would you want to make yourself a lord of anything when people are still recovering from the _last_ Dark Lord?"

Remus sighed. "I'd best make some tea."

Severus watched Remus retreat into the kitchen and looked around his surroundings with deep suspicion. There were certain mind-altering potions that worked like airborne pathogens, invisible to the naked eye and using the bacteria already in the air to spread and infect. Merely by standing in the landing of the Lupin household he felt dirty. He gave the snoring blankets a look of revulsion as Harry gripped his arm and led him to the couch. After working as an educator for sixteen years, he knew well how germy children were, and how much they enjoyed spreading disease and pestilence.

"It's cozy here," Harry remarked uselessly by his side, fidgeting slightly. "Never figured Remus would live above a bakery and take over the world and all, but this is surprisingly homey."

"His lodgings seem appropriate given his love of chocolate confections."

Harry laughed. "Well, yeah, there is that."

The door burst open with a cheerful bang, causing the snoring blankets to twitch and release an unhappy wail of protest. Tonks winced at the sound, sending a sheepish smile down the hall before hurrying forward to scoop the mass into her arms. Ron shut the door and gratefully hurried over to Harry, nose no longer bleeding, as a turquoise head popped out of the blankets. Teddy gave the room a singularly uninterested look, his sleepy brown eyes and pouted lips conveying his displeasure at being awoken in such a fashion. Severus sympathized, sending the baby a look that promised to teach him spells to properly discipline his parents as soon as he was able to speak coherently. Teddy seemed to understand the look and smiled back at Severus before dropping his head on his mom's shoulder.

"Dora, Love, you know he likes to nap on the chair." Remus walked back into the room carrying a heavily laden tray with cups, sweets, and a steaming teapot. He paused to kiss his wife on the cheek before setting the tray on the coffee table shoved against the corner wall.

"I know." Tonks cuddled her baby closer in apology, letting the toddler look around the room with bright, curious eyes. "I was just so excited to see Harry again that I didn't think about it!"

"How surprising." Tonks flinched at the icy tone of voice. Harry gave Severus a reproachful look. Severus ignored them both and pinned Remus under the full force of his glare. "You sent people from their homes due to situations they could not control, took over the Ministry of Magic, and are holding half the wizarding world in suspension until someone could produce Harry." Remus smiled weakly, shifting uncomfortably. "All that I can respect." Remus gave a startled jolt and looked at Severus incredulously. "But, Lupin, really?" He sneered. "Singing gates at Hogwarts?"

"Really!" Ron gave a disgusted snort. "They're _awful_! What did those poor gates ever do to you?"

"Uh." Remus rubbed the back of his neck and shared a look with Tonks. "You deserve an explanation, and I'll give you one, but first I have to ask you to think about Sirius."

Severus desperately wanted to ask what the mutt had anything to do with present day activities, but that would give away his interest in the situation. It would never do to tip an opponent off so soon into the game. Instead, he merely raised an eyebrow and stared the Lupins down, gratified with Tonks flinched instinctively and clutched her baby closer. Harry, however, asked the question for him. "What does Sirius have to do with anything? He's… dead."

"Yes, Harry, he is." Lupin spoke gently, reaching over to gently clasp Harry's knee. "But once he left Azkaban and was told you couldn't come live with him, he started… playing a game."

Harry eyed Remus and Tonks warily before scooting a little closer to the reassuring solidarity of Snape's body. "What kind of game?"

"When Sirius…" Remus trailed off, looking pained. "When Sirius first left us the summer before your fourth year, he went to the Bahamas. There, he met a man named John Gage." Here Remus paused, giving Harry a slightly expectant look. Harry gazed back blankly. "Well, no, I supposed you haven't heard of him. John likes to gamble, and he is one of those odd Muggles that can't be Obliviated for whatever reason."

"Okay," Harry said slowly. "And Sirius gambled with this John guy?"

"Yeah he did," Tonks interrupted cheerfully, supremely unconcerned as Teddy messily ate a biscuit and wiped his chocolaty hands on her arm. "He gambled loads and won buckets of money off John."

"And then last year," Remus continue patiently, "shortly before the battle at Hogwarts, I received a letter. Seems Sirius had given John my address since he didn't have a Muggle one of his own." Remus sighed. "John was frustrated. He'd recently paid a guy a million dollars to sleep with his wife, started a relationship with said woman, and then was dumped when she went back to her husband."

"Fascinating," Severus drawled. "Now get to the point."

"Sirius became rather… friendly, when drinking," Remus continued carefully. "Apparently he told John all about his famously secretive background, and John decided that in order to get over his whole experience with the couple, he would start a game with Sirius."

"But Sirius is dead," Harry said softly.

"I know." Remus answered, just as softly. "But, Harry, he'd already laid the ground work for the game and needed _someone_ to play with him."

"He bought the properties, didn't he?" Harry glanced at Severus in surprise, having not come to that conclusion on his own. Severus merely arched an eyebrow and smirked.

"Yes, he did." Remus sighed again. "He bought every vacant property or unclaimed parcel of land around the areas Sirius had described, and would only auction them off to me one at a time and under a specific set of circumstances."

"What?" Ron looked between Remus and Severus in bewilderment. "Some Muggle bought land and _that's_ why you became Lord Farquaad?"

"He bought the Burrow, Ron." Tonks winced as Teddy elbowed her in an attempt to crawl out of her lap. Setting the two-year-old down, she rubbed her ribcage and gave the redhead a commiserating look. "And the Bones' land, the Ministry of Magic, and…"

"… Hogwarts," Severus finished flatly, remembering the conversation he'd walked in on in the Headmaster's office.

"Exactly." Remus sighed deeply and refilled his tea cup. "I had to get them back. So, I overthrew the current government, hired people to hide in forests and implement Guerilla-style warfare on unsuspecting travelers, people to behave in sexually deviant manners in public, people to seize properties, sully about in taverns, start popular bands: you name it, I did it." He sighed, looking weary. "But I don't _want_ that much power. Part of our agreement is that I can't sell anything, only _gift_ it to others in a public ceremony. And since I was worried about where you had disappeared to…" Remus offered Harry a weak smile.

"_Me? _" Harry looked horrified. "You want to give everything to _me_? And in _public_?"

"Well, not everything." Tonks gave a fond smile to where Teddy was reenacting The Boston Tea Party, complete with figurines that tossed barrels off a toy ship and screamed, "_No taxation without representation_!"

"We're keeping the shop," Remus agreed. "Kingsley gets the Ministry of Magic, everyone gets their homes back, Luna gets the magical section of Sherwood Forest, Ginny wants exclusive book rights to documents her time as a temptress, Dean wants a record deal for his band, and so on."

"And Harry will receive Hogwarts," Severus finished.

Harry looked furious. "_Why_ does everyone insist on running my life for me still? Go there, do this, die for the world, spend months locked up in a castle, take possession of your old school." Remus frowned and opened his mouth to speak. Harry cut him off. "Don't bother." He stood abruptly, setting his untouched tea on the coffee table rather harder than necessary. "Come on, Severus, we should find a hotel, it's getting dark."

Severus would have refused out of sheer principle, but the upset look on Remus' face was worth his silent compliance. He smirked, inclined his head in the barest parody of a polite nod, and stood. "Lupin, Nymphadora. As always, visiting you has been rather more appealing than engaging a pack of Dementors in a duel. Delightful home… and child, you have."

"Harry…"

"No, not right now." Harry squared his jaw and glared at the wall. Severus glanced out the window and realized he needed to get Harry to a warded location as soon as possible. "I'm tired, and mad, and just tired." He forced a smile; Lupin really did look upset.

"Do you want me to come with you, Harry?" Ron looked torn between wanting to go with Harry and wanting to stay with Remus to find out when his family would be getting its home back.

"No." Harry was starting to shake as he trampled down on his frustration. "No, I just want to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Ron." He turned, giving Severus a look of desperation. Severus looked into lightly red-tinted eyes and reached out, grabbing Harry's arm firmly before Apparating away.

They arrived in Severus' bedroom at Grimmauld Place. Harry didn't even look at their surroundings before twisting around and throwing himself at Severus. "I hate Lord Farquaad!"

Severus let Harry burrow and mutter nonsense into his chest as he looked around his room, reassuring himself that the idiot intruders had not managed to break past his wards. He could hear music throbbing against his wards, hear the muted sounds of glasses clinking and alcohol-induced laughter, hear someone faintly cry out, "wild party, Freddie!" He rolled his eyes and fervently hoped the house struck back and trapped the whole lot of them in the cellar with the dead rats.

Finally turning his attention to the distraught boy clinging to his robes and uttering dire proclamations for all of wizard kind, Severus looked down at a complete loss. Clearly comfort of some kind was needed, but what to do? "There there, Potter." He patted the shaking shoulders awkwardly. "Once you own Hogwarts, you can adjust the wards to keep out whomever you see fit. Furthermore, I would not find it the least morally troubling to poison the wolf for you."

Harry laughed, turning his head far enough to breathe but maintaining his death grip on Severus' robes. "How can I possibly run a school when I'm such a freak?" He let go of the robes and started pacing. "I can't be around kids when I have red eyes and reek of Dark magic."

"You will not be indisposed by this issue forever, Harry. Do stop moping; there is only so much melodrama I can handle in one day. Having tea with the wolf and his pack quite filled up my level of tolerance for the year."

"You didn't drink any tea." Harry grinned nonetheless, wiping his hand across his damp cheeks. Severus rolled his eyes and offered a handkerchief. Harry took it and scrubbed his face, still smiling. "You sneered at the tea like it was the vilest poison imaginable and spelled it onto Teddy's toy boat." Harry's smile faded. "Seriously, though, what am I going to do?"

"Let me run any test on you I wish, no matter how invasive?"

Harry blinked. "Well, yeah, of course. I mean I figured you would. But _after_ that. What am I going to do about this whole Lord Farquaad gifting me Hogwarts situation? Did he even think that maybe I don't want to own the blasted place, either?"

Severus frowned, hating the fact that Gryffindors felt the need to express their problems so verbally. Why they could not simply ponder the matter, dissect a few carcasses to relieve tension, and then make a decision after considering pros and cons was entirely beyond his realm of understanding. Still. "Albus once saw fit to babble, '_If there's something you want to do, or someone you really want to be, then the only one standing in your way... is you._'" He frowned at the accompanying ache in his chest the memory brought.

It seemed to work, though. Harry looked thoughtful rather than distraught, his red eyes focused on internal musings and keeping him quiet, thankfully. Severus left him to his thoughts, moving around the room and straightening his already straight room just to reassure himself of its recognizable order. The next time he looked up, Harry had kicked off his shoes, tossed his robe onto a chair, and crawled into his bed.

"Can I stay here tonight? It sounds like they're having quite the party out there, and, erm, I kinda hate people right now."

_That_ sentiment he understood perfectly. "Fine," he answered shortly, removing his own traveling robe and placing it neatly on a chair. He sat on the edge of the bed to remove his shoes, lining them up precisely next to his night stand before lying down and arranging himself under the blanket. The bedroom was silent save for their breathing and the odd reverberation of the party.

Harry turned on his side and studied Severus' profile. "I feel safe with you."

"An unwise emotion, I assure you."

He could hear Harry's smile in his voice. "Going to lock me in your lab and perform a slew of vile tests on me?"

"At the first available opportunity."

Harry laughed, shifting around on his side of the bed until his head was resting right next to Severus' shoulder. "I was really happy when I found out you didn't die that night," he whispered. "I felt weird enough having the Dark Lord's soul removed from me. It would have… I would have been devastated if you'd been taken away from me as well."

"Nonsense." Severus stared at his ceiling, nerves prickling over the intimacy of sharing a bed and whispering in the dark with another. "You would have grown up, married, and cursed my memory by naming one of your offspring after me." He ignored the sleepy chuckle and steadily increasing weight on his shoulder.

"Would have been really upset," Harry muttered sleepily, before snuggling closer and falling asleep.

Severus lay there for quite awhile staring at the ceiling, thoughts whirling through his mind too fast for comfort.

HPSS

Dislodging himself from Harry's grasp and emerging from the safety of his warded bedroom nearly took more courage than Severus was capable of. Still, he managed. The thought of cursing hung-over cretins providing the necessary burst of motivation needed. The upstairs was completely untouched, thankfully, the house's reputation preventing even the most gung-ho from venturing too far. The first sign of habitation came on the bottom stairwell, where a lacy pink bra hung negligently off one of the dead house elf's ears.

Walburga Black, looking pale and defeated in her frame, gave him a listless smile. "I thought we understood each other, Severus," she whimpered pitifully. "Please don't leave me alone with those delinquents again." He patted her frame consolingly before peering into the living room.

A jukebox had been magically charmed and shoved in the doorway of the living room, one shiny black vinyl still spinning though no sound could be heard. One of the twins was lying face down on the floor, a bottle of amber-colored liquid clutched in one fist, a sock in the other. Unknown twin number two was propped against the jukebox wearing sunglasses, a Hawaiian print shirt, and a floppy straw hat. Various former students were scattered around the room, flopped on any available surface, all, blessedly, unconscious. Percy was wrapped around the rock crystal in the corner, sucking his thumb and occasionally twitching in his sleep. Too tired to deal with them all, Severus left them to it and retreated to the kitchen.

Charlie was kneeling in the fireplace talking animatedly with his mother. Severus could only hope the woman had been in touch with Lupin and was directing the fruit of her womb back to her cloying embrace. Judging by the happy chirping noises Charlie was making, Severus deduced it was safe to take the pot of tea into his lab and lock the door behind him. He was much happier dealing with Harry's blood and hair samples than he ever would be conversing with Weasley's.

Five hours later he emerged to a quiet kitchen smelling faintly of tea and toast, his grumbling stomach reminding him that he had yet to eat. Well used to ignoring bodily discomfort, he strode through the silent house in search of Harry. He found him in the living room, curled up on the couch with a book, a pot of tea steaming gently nearby. "Have fun in your lab?"

Severus glowered, ignoring the question in favor of stalking to Harry, pulling his head back, and peering intently into red-rimmed green eyes. "It is as I thought," he declared with satisfaction, spinning on his heel and striding back the way he had come.

"What the hell?" Harry blinked at Severus' retreating back before throwing his book aside and scrambling after. He hovered in the doorway of the lab, eyeing the steaming cauldrons and magically suspended philters of burnt hair warily.

"_You_ are responsible for your red eyes and dangerous aura, Potter." Severus spoke without turning around, carefully pouring a smoking gray potion into a goblet. He turned and carried the goblet across the room. "Even now the red is creeping into your eyes, Harry, and it is not yet the middle of the day."

Harry accepted the goblet automatically, staring down at it in confusion. "I don't understand."

"Do you remember the conversation we had in that miserable tent?" Harry nodded uncertainly. "As I stated then, your potential has been hampered by your desire for normalcy. You have suppressed your, dare I say it, _talent_, to the point where your magic is rebelling against you."

"But." Harry frowned at his goblet. "But if I've been doing that for years, why did it choose now to 'rebel' against me?"

"Herbert Spencer and Charles Darwin said it best."

"Who?"

"Oh for… never mind. Suffice it to say that people who were unafraid to _think_ came up with a term to describe how only the fittest organisms will prevail. It is my belief that your magic was intuitively aware of the foreign presence in your body and was content to remain mostly dormant to avoid unwanted attention or intrusion."

"Oh." Harry stared down at the goblet clenched in his hand. "I'm not afraid to think." Severus sighed. Harry glanced at him before drinking the potion down, making a face at the bitter after taste. "What'll this potion do anyway?"

"Make you pee blue for three days."

"_What_?"

"Harry?"

They both turned at the voice to see Ron standing in the doorway beaming at them. "Moony's having the party at Hogwarts tonight. He sent me round to collect you."

"Party," Harry repeated blankly. "Right." He took a deep breath before setting the goblet down on the counter and looking at Severus. "Are you coming to the party with me?" Severus stared, a single eyebrow raised in disdain at the mere thought of socializing. Harry's shoulders drooped. "Right," he repeated. "I'll just… go get ready then."

"Hermione sent your dress robes," Ron offered helpfully. "I stuck them on your bed." Harry nodded and quietly slipped from the room.

They both watched him go before Ron turned to where Severus stood and gave him a shrewd look. "He was a bit obsessed with you after the battle, you know."

"Pardon me?"

"Harry," Ron clarified unnecessarily. "He talked about you a lot, broke up with Ginny, and moved all your stuff here before he left. Hermione said he was talking about having you moved here to finish recovering if the Ministry didn't hurry up with your pardon." Ron frowned and scratched the back of his neck. "I just thought he was obsessed, but Hermione said Harry was a lot like you. A walking metaphor, like an onion – you have layers, or some such rot."

"Layers?" Severus repeated dryly.

"Yeah, see, there's the crusty outer layer, 'cause Harry doesn't really like to be around too many people." He paused, clearly seeing the wisdom in not pointing out Severus' own anti-social mannerisms. "Once you get past that though, there's sweetness and bitterness and a layer that makes you cry."

"Irritates the tear ducts," Severus corrected absently.

"Whatever." Ron brushed the correction away, turning to look behind him to make sure Harry wasn't around. "But if someone cuts the center of the onion just right, the whole damn thing will fall apart."

Harry called out from the kitchen. Ron waved cheerfully and ducked out the door, letting it close gently behind him. Severus stood in his quiet lab, surrounded by all his comfortingly consistent ingredients and shiny vials, and wondered why he felt like he'd just been sucking on a lemon drop.

HPSS

Part Four: And they all lived happily ever after…. Right?

HPSS

It was bittersweet being back on Hogwarts grounds. The children were back for the party, sadly, which meant it would only be a matter of time before broken quill stubs and parchment littered the freshly painted halls and newly re-landscaped grounds. Severus sighed, wishing the thought filled him with less relief than he actually felt. Hogwarts was not meant to be quiet, entombed. It was meant to be celebrated and enjoyed by ungrateful brats who would not truly appreciate their youth until they had moved on to demeaning jobs and irritating familial obligations. The singing atrocity had been removed from the gates at least. Severus ran his hand down the silky steel frame of the gate as he passed through.

Dean Thomas had dyed his hair electric blue and teased it into an afro. Combined with his leather pants, sunglasses, and electric guitar, the idiot probably fancied himself the next Jimmie Hendrix. Severus rolled his eyes as he passed the makeshift stage, the crowd parting for him instinctively.

Seamus Finnigan stood behind a microphone wearing ripped jeans and a tie-dyed shirt. "Oi, you lot! This next song goes out to all the lovers out there!"

"_I thought love was only true in fairy tales. Meant for someone else but not for me. Love was out to get me, that's the way it seemed. Disappointment haunted all my dreams_."

Severus winced at the jarring musical chords, ignoring the noises around him as he walked unerringly towards the front doors. If he had been to one officious ceremony, he had been to them all. The real action would be taking place behind the scenes, most likely in the Headmaster's office.

"_What's the use in trying? All you get is pain. When I wanted sunshine, I got rain_!"

Once again, the gargoyle jumped aside at his approach. Severus gave it a grim look as he passed. "Why do I feel like I am yet again preparing for war?" The gargoyle seemed to sigh.

Hiding in the back of the room, Severus stared in disbelief at all the people crammed into the room, magically expanded place or not. Harry looked trapped, the potion he'd ingested earlier already working to realign his magical waves and not, as he'd said, turn his urine blue. He could guess by the dilation of Potter's eyes that he was feeling woozy and dizzy. Naturally, no one appeared to notice the distress of their savior and continued on with their farce of the party.

Lupin looked tired standing next to Potter. His kind face wrinkled, smile looking more than a little forced. "… And last, but certainly not least, I present to Mr. Harry Potter, the castle of Hogwarts to run and staff as he sees fit."

Harry smiled gamely and accepted the deed to the school, acknowledging the cheers and polite clapping of former Headmasters and Headmistresses with a nod of his head. Hermione, standing to his side, exchanged worried looks with Ron and reached out to gather Harry in a gentle hug.

"Have you given any thought to your staff, Mr. Potter?" From the back of the room Severus could see Harry stiffen at the question.

"I object!"

Heads swiveled to the back of the room as an imposing figure shrouded in black seemed to appear from the shadows. Harry felt a peculiar tickling sensation dance across his skin, the feeling of every bit of water inside his body flooding with pleasure and relief, crashing through him until he could barely remember that breathing was supposed to be an involuntary reflux and not something he should consciously control. Like now. Letting his breath out in a whoosh, he raised his voice as well. "I object, too."

People turned to look back at Harry in bewilderment. Severus smirked, feeling unaccountably relieved. Harry was still so utterly transparent. He clearly had no idea what he was objecting to, but was readily willing to align himself with Severus in order to… what? Offer the metaphorical olive branch?

Not to be outdone, Draco stood as well, Malfoy mask of aloofness and slight disdain firmly in place. "I would also like to register my objection."

Ginny popped up from her place on Draco's left and entwined her fingers with his. "Me too," she said firmly.

Luna Lovegood joined the host of people standing and looked around her with a serious expression. "I have never cared for stroganoff."

Neville stood up next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. "That means we object as well."

"But –" Lupin looked around the room, his genial smile looking more than a little strained. "But what are you all objecting _to_?"

All heads swiveled to Harry, who ignored them all, smiling at Severus like they were the only two people in the room. Surprisingly, it was Minerva who spoke up. "I quite agree with Severus." Her voice was firm as she glared at Remus. "Harry is far too young to be saddled with the awesome responsibility of running a school. Present it to him, fine. Ask him to actually _run_ it? Preposterous!"

"Absolutely!" Hermione spoke in a rush, hand still latched on Harry's arm. "Harry should be allowed to choose what he wants to do with his life, not be forced into a… a… a virtual _marriage_ thanks to Lord Farquaad!"

"Well, what do you suggest then?" Lupin sounded more hopeful that a resolution would come about than upset that his glorious plans for turning over the school had been negatively received.

"Let Severus resume his duties as Headmaster," Flitwick suggested. "He's always been rather partial to this office. After all, even after the battle that destroyed whole segments of the school, his warded rooms all remained miraculously unscathed."

"True." Pomona Sprout tapped her finger against her lip thoughtfully. "And wasn't Sybill singing something about The Man In Black the other day?"

"She was probably referring to Johnny Cash." Hermione rolled her eyes. "Or aliens, which would be right up her alley."

Severus looked around the office in interest, still oddly possessive of the space even after a year away. And were he to remain at Hogwarts, he could ensure he kept a strict eye on Harry's magic.

Harry sidled over to Severus, ignoring the argument rising. "You're not going to abandon me now that you think I caused my own issue?"

"Of course not." Severus glared at the fighting people surrounding them. "You were raised by Muggles and Gryffindors, only to be isolated and surrounded by people genetically related to Dumbledore. You will need assistance and supervision learning to reconnect with the public."

Harry stared. "_You're_ going to give me pointers on interacting with others?"

"I successfully dealt with a Dark Lord, a lemon drop addict, parents, and the Board of Directors. What have you done?"

"Point taken." Tentatively, Harry stretched up on tiptoe and brushed their lips together. "No matter what happens, I'm really glad you came today, Severus." He blushed, lowering himself back to the ground and dropping his forehead on Severus' shoulder. "You make me feel safe. And normal." Harry titled his head, offering a slightly shy smile. "I like that about you."

Severus exhaled a breath, dreadfully uncomfortable with the public display but unwilling to push Harry away. He wrestled with himself, finally lowering his head just enough to brush his cheek against the top of Harry's head. "After spending nearly a week solely in your presence, I find I like some of the feelings you stimulate as well."

"Yeah?" Harry pulled away slightly and grinned. "You like being annoyed, irritated, and exasperated?"

"Not hardly." Severus looked around the room, ensuring the fight had escalated to the point where he and Harry were mostly ignored. Still, he lowered his voice before looking back into curious green eyes. "I enjoy feeling like less of an ogre."

Through the window, faint strands of music drifted into the room, barely discernable over the din. Still, Severus heard each word clearly, and smiled.

_"I'm in love, I'm a believer! Sing it with me now - I! Believe! I! Believe!"_

HPSS

And so life went on for our hapless heroes and rag-tag grouping of characters. Until, that is, Harry received a letter from the kingdom of Far Far Away requesting his attendance over a small matter of inheritance…. But that's another story.


End file.
